ASHES TO ASHES (The Craig Thomson Story*)

As the Gillard Government lurches from one policy mishap to the next, one scandal to another, we are reminded of a slight variation of the old cricket chant from the 1970's when Lillee & Thomson were decimating opposition batting line ups:

"ASHES TO ASHES, DUST TO DUST

IF WILKIE DON'T YOU, THOMMO MUST"

I love my role as head of this union
Treating proper protocols with scant disregard
I’ll call up the hookers, order a couple of good lookers
And charge it all my work credit card

Then I’ll sign off on all credit card charges
Write them off as a businessman’s lunch
And look them all in the eye: deny, deny, deny
When it all comes down to the crunch

I just love my interstate business trips
A few meetings then dinner with friends
But in my hotel room alone, I get on the phone
And see what the Yellow Pages recommends

But it’s not just the hookers I’m keen on
Seems I’m desperately short of some cash
I’ll take my chances and get cash advances
If I’m busted, I’ll have done my dash

But 3 words remain embedded in my vocab
I repeat them daily: deny, deny, deny
But I’m getting deeper in strife, with the good wife
I can’t even look her in the eye

It’s all coming to an ugly crescendo
And the media’s all over this seedy event
My alibi it seems is falling apart at the seams
And I’m subjected to relentless torment

My lame excuse that someone else was responsible
Is treated with the disdain it deserves
My penchant for a tart splits my world apart
And it’s become now a war of nerves

I’ve threatened to sue Fairfax Media
Then been forced to promptly revoke
If I proceed with the case, it’ll blow up in my face
And I’ll be gone: disgraced and broke

I’ll turn to the Labor Party to save me
To cover up this unwelcome disruption
To leave me at ease and pay all legal fees
It’s just a merry-go-round of corruption

I could continue to stick to my lame story
But am I willing to take that chance?
And bring down the Labor Government
Just because of the itch in my pants!

I just can’t resist the ladies of the night
I’ll get on the mobile just to say hello
But it’s getting quite hard, I’ll charge it all to my card
As my motel room becomes a bordello!

For all the problems plaguing this government
It seems the one that may well bring them down
Is the horny union guy who got a twinkle in his eye
Whenever he was out of town

So the moral of the story dear readers
As your credibility drowns in scandal and doubt
Look accusers in the eyes as you keep telling lies
While the Labor Party helps bail you out

(*ALLEGEDLY)

5 YEARS OF HELL: 2007 - 2011 (Part Five)

Part Five (of six), as told by Kevin Rudd (and Julia Gillard)

2010: 'IT'S ALL DOWNHILL FROM HERE'

“The polls have turned against you Kevin
And Julia’s got the numbers to force a spill”
What a conniving bitch, since the CPRS switch
My poll numbers have all been downhill

Why on earth did I take her advice?
I should’ve called a double-dissolution election
But that’s all in hindsight, and I’ve lost this fight
Julia is the Labor Party’s preferred selection

So I’m out on my arse just like that
As the faceless men stick their knives in my back
I didn’t get a return bout, they’ve turfed me out
I’m no more than a washed up old hack

So the redhead assumes the mantle of PM
And calls an election almost immediately
The only time I speak is to provide Oakes with a leak
If I can’t be PM, neither can she

I’ll hold these bastards to ransom
And demand the Foreign Affairs job
Or I’ll bring it all down, run Labor out of town
And completely destroy this mob

Julia Gillard continues telling the tale:

I can’t believe I’ve come this far so quickly
And risen to become the leader of Labor
I’m the PM, thanks to the faceless men
And a very deeply embedded sabre

I almost immediately call an election
To capitalise on my political honeymoon
Before people realise the extent of Labor’s demise
I’ll prove I’m politically opportune

I’ll peel off the focus-group slogans
To maximise my voter appeal
But when that bulldust fails, and Abbott prevails
I’ll introduce another Julia: “and this one is real”

But I’m losing all the momentum
Despite having an 18-seat head start
I keep on tripping, all authority slipping
Tony Abbott is a real work of art!

Now there’s murmurs of a deal with the Greens
As the polls point to a cliffhanger
There’s talk the ALP backs a new Carbon Tax
It’s not looking too good for this ranga

So I go on TV in the final desperate days
I’m desperate, I beg and I plead
To the voters I say, full sincerity on display
“There’ll be no Carbon Tax under the Government I lead”

Meanwhile…..

Rudd’s been killed off but it hasn’t assisted
As unrest within Labor has continued and persisted
Gillard lacks gravitas and leadership skills
Any Prime Ministerial authority she quickly kills

It’s election day, and all the polls point to a cliffhanger.
Labor has an 18-seat majority, but 3 years of waste & mismanagement has tested voter patience.
And Rudd’s political assassination has angered many, particularly in Queensland.
Who will previal: Gillard or Abbott?

Stay tuned for the final installment, part 6:

2010-11: 'DAYLIGHT ROBBERY'

5 YEARS OF HELL: 2007 - 2011 (Part Four)

Part Four (of six), as told by Kevin Rudd

2010: 'IS THAT A KNIFE IN MY BACK OR ARE YOU JUST HAPPY TO SEE ME'?!

The problem with making so many announcements

Is that it’s hard to keep up with the list
I’ve been so busy, my world fame makes me dizzy
No wonder punters are starting to get pissed

This ‘Climate Change’ thing’s a nightmare
As the Chinese “rat fu@ked” me in Copenhagen
I ask the big guy upstairs and hope he answers my prayers
Or I’ll quit the church and be a born-again pagan

‘God help me’ the façade’s falling apart
And Julia & Swanny are circling with intent
The CPRS I dump because I’m under the pump
But it’s not enough to appease the malcontent

My poll numbers start to go into freefall
And Abbott’s soon gained the upper hand
Swannie’s budget delivers another $41B black hole
Which proves more than anybody can stand

My attempts at appeasing the bleeding hearts of the left
By loosining border protection laws
Loses me heaps of votes, thanks to an influx of boats
And exposes yet more of my flaws

The debt’s blown out to almost $200 billion
And we haven’t got close to delivering a budget surplus
But I try to stay cool and paint Abbott as the fool
And nonchalantly ask “Hey, what’s all the fuss”?

“It might look easy out there in 7:30 land”
I aggressively blurt out at Kerry O’Brien
I’m feeling the stress, am I pressured? Oh yes,
To say otherwise you know I’d be lying

My one saving grace was Newspoll
But even that’s turned against me with spite
It gives Abbott a thrill to move in for the kill
I brace myself for one almighty fight

But the fight of my life’s not with Abbott
It’s with Julia and the faceless factional men
My own party’s turned, my reputation is burned
Things will never be the same again

I get Lachlan to rally the numbers
And ensure I’ve got everybody’s support
But his shoulders are slumped, looks like I’ll be dumped
He’s got bad news to report

Meanwhile…..

As Rudd’s popularity has slumped
There’s speculation he’s about to be jumped
Once the most popular Prime Minster, in a plot so sinister
Is about to be unceremoniously dumped

What bad news does Rudd’s assistant Lachlan Harris have?
Can Rudd survive this groundswell of negativity?
How could Rudd go from such dizzy heights to being assassinated in such a short space of time?

Stay tuned for Part Five:

2010: ‘IT'S ALL DOWNHILL FROM HERE'

5 YEARS OF HELL: 2007 - 2011 (Part Three)

Part Three (of six), as told by Kevin Rudd

2009: I WANT TO RULE THE WORLD

This political game is so easy

It’s all about announcing my latest thought bubble
Expressing all views for the 6 o’clock news
Is enough to keep me out of trouble

Nobody holds me accountable
Because the public thinks my sh1t don’t stink
Some Ministers express their disatisfaction
But I don’t give a stuff what they think

I’m flying all over the universe
Shaking hands with Berlusconi and Obama
Whilst in Newspoll I see good numbers for me
Nothing at all is a drama

Not even another disastrous budget
This one $57 Billion out of whack
But the deluded public lap up my promise
That we’ll soon have everything back on track

Despite debt blowing out to over $100 Billion
I manage to keep Turnbull & the Libs on the ropes
Right on cue they fetch the tragic Godwin Grech
Thank God for these incompetent dopes!

Turnbull runs hard with the ‘Oz Car’ scandal
On the back of alleged illicit emails
But this brief brush with strife brought me back to life
And it’s me who triumphantly prevails

09 saw me depose of Malcolm
And make more announcements to grab the headlines
As I’ve managed to wrack up the frequent flier points
Whilst ignoring all policy deadlines

Rubbing shoulders with my UN buddies
With all my grand delusions unfurled
Australia’s not big enough for a man of my talents
I want to rule the world

But whilst I’m away on my UN junkets
Sucking up to Ban Ki-moon
The knives are being sharpened on the home front
There’s talk that I might be assassinated soon

So another year comes to an end
Next year I’m guaranteed to win a second election
But behind the smiles and high polls
There’s a simmering disaffection

Meanwhile….

The gloss is starting to wear off on Kevin
His last saving grace was his popularity
But with his poll numbers in decline in late 2009
There were cracks in the façade of solidarity

As we enter 2010, the murmurings become louder within the ALP.
The Coalition under Turnbull couldn’t gain any traction in the polls, but the Coalition’s aggressive new leader Tony Abbott promises to take the fight up to Rudd and Labor.
2010 will prove to be the most turbulent year ever in Australian politics.

Stay tuned for Part Four:

2010: ‘IS THAT A KNIFE IN MY BACK OR ARE YOU JUST HAPPY TO SEE ME'?!

5 YEARS OF HELL: 2007 - 2011 (Part Two)

Part Two (of six), as told by Kevin Rudd

2008: MORE POPULAR THAN SEX

I’ll hold a 2020 summit for apparatchiks

$30 million cost and not one good idea
I’ll say sorry to the Aboriginals
A great start to the new political year

I’ll rekindle talk of a Republic
Another way to satisfy the Labor machine
I’ll jump on board the ‘Climate Change’ hysteria
‘The greatest moral challenge we’ve ever seen’

I’ve inherited a very strong economy
Swannie tells me everything is still humming
What’s this ‘Global Financial Crisis’ talk?
Whoah! I didn’t see that coming!

While it’s too soon to know the full repurcussions
It’s time to kill off the ‘conservative’ façade
Spend spend spend, go hard, go early
And charge it all to the nation’s credit card

So while Turnbull plots to bring down Nelson
I’ve gone on a massive spending spree
Thumping my chest that we avoided recession
‘Hey everybody, how clever are we’?!

Swannie delivers his very first budget
No surprises that it’s deeply screwed
He sticks to defending the $27 billion deficit
While I stick to being obnoxious and rude

And while my colleagues all hate my guts
And we’re suddenly deeply in debt
The latest Newspoll vindicates my survival
With my highest approval rating yet

It’s enough to bring down the good Doctor
Suddenly Turnbull’s in the opposite chair
I’ve more in common with Malcolm than my colleagues
Both a narcissistic and a multi-millionaire

I sail through 2008 unencumbered
By the hatred felt for me by Labor MP’s
Not even Nostradamus could’ve predicted
That within 12 months I’d be on my knees

I’ve single-handedly saved Australians from ruin
By sending them all $900 cheques
And I’m building school halls so there’s no drastic falls
I remain more popular than sex!

Meanwhile….

As Rudd sips his eggnog on Christmas Eve
There’s a growing unrest within the Labor Party
Sick & tired of being demeaned by Rudd
They’re determined to bring down this smarty

Despite being despised by his colleagues, the public love Rudd.
His poll numbers remain at record highs.
What will 2009 have in store for our bi-polar PM?

Stay tuned for Part Three:

‘2009: I WANT TO RULE THE WORLD'

5 YEARS OF HELL: 2007 - 2011 (Part One)

Part One (of six), as told by Kevin Rudd

2007: I'M AUSTRALIA'S MESSIAH

My name is Kevin and I'm here to help

I’m just the leader Australians require
I’m an economic conservative
I’m Australia’s Messiah

I’ve given Kim Beasley the big heave-ho
And Jenny Macklin too
Teamed up with trusty Jules to unite Labor
And provide leadership long overdue

I’ll give schoolkids a computer each
And I’ll stop this reckless spending
A GP Super Clinic on every corner
My grand promises are never ending

I’ll get us a seat on the UN Council
And unite all our States & Territories
I’ll travel the world extensively
And make speeches in Cantonese

I’ll lead this country for many years
My popularity is soaring
I’ll surround myself with 20-somethings
Yes-men advisors so adoring

I’ll sign Kyoto because Howard wouldn’t
A typically grandiose but pointless action
By the end of ’07 I’ll be your PM
With record levels of satisfaction

As we go into the Christmas break
My grand plan has come to fruition
Everything’s on track for a decade of rule
I’m in a dominant position

The Liberal Party is languishing
The good Doctor Nelson is sinking
I’ve got so many grand schemes for the years ahead
And I know what everyone’s thinking:

‘That Kevin Rudd is a genius
So full of bright ideas’
Little did anyone have the slightest clue
That I’d be gone within 2 years

But as my family gathered for Christmas lunch
I raised my glass and looked them in the eye
“I propose a toast to the Prime Minister
How bloody good am I?!”

Meanwhile….


Around various other dinner tables in Australia
A plot was brewing, slowly but most sinister
As Labor MP’s hatred for Rudd’s autocratic style
Would lead to the eventual knifing of the Prime Minister

What will 2008 hold for Australia’s new PM?
Can he maintain record levels of popularity?
What of the murmurings of a downturn in the global economy?

Stay tuned for Part Two:

‘2008: MORE POPULAR THAN SEX’

RUSSIAN ROULETTE

As sure as night follows day
We are a country in decay
With a wasteful government at the helm
Slowly destroying our once-great realm

A government prone to poor decisions
So sadly lacking in its’ visions
Leading us down the path of no return
Will naive voters ever learn?

A vote for Labor always leads to pain
We end up in deficit once again
A budget destroyed by reckless spending
Do they have a problem comprehending?

As sure as the sun comes up tomorrow
Labor reigns ends up in pain and sorrow
Reckless spending & spiralling debt
Do voters like playing Russian Roulette?

A vote for Labor always ends up hurting
Their inepetitude is disconcerting
If history teaches us anything
It‘s the trail of destruction Labor bring

Just 4 years ago we were sitting pretty
Thanks to Howard’s team, a great committee
Secure borders & strong finances
Why on earth would voters take their chances?

Hasn’t history taught us anything?
Of the continued failings of the left wing
Each time we vote them into power
Our quality of life they do devour

So every time Australian’s elect Labor
They load a bullet and spin the chamber
And put the barrel against our collective head
And our quality of life is quickly dead