ASHES TO ASHES (The Craig Thomson Story*)

As the Gillard Government lurches from one policy mishap to the next, one scandal to another, we are reminded of a slight variation of the old cricket chant from the 1970's when Lillee & Thomson were decimating opposition batting line ups:

"ASHES TO ASHES, DUST TO DUST

IF WILKIE DON'T YOU, THOMMO MUST"

I love my role as head of this union
Treating proper protocols with scant disregard
I’ll call up the hookers, order a couple of good lookers
And charge it all my work credit card

Then I’ll sign off on all credit card charges
Write them off as a businessman’s lunch
And look them all in the eye: deny, deny, deny
When it all comes down to the crunch

I just love my interstate business trips
A few meetings then dinner with friends
But in my hotel room alone, I get on the phone
And see what the Yellow Pages recommends

But it’s not just the hookers I’m keen on
Seems I’m desperately short of some cash
I’ll take my chances and get cash advances
If I’m busted, I’ll have done my dash

But 3 words remain embedded in my vocab
I repeat them daily: deny, deny, deny
But I’m getting deeper in strife, with the good wife
I can’t even look her in the eye

It’s all coming to an ugly crescendo
And the media’s all over this seedy event
My alibi it seems is falling apart at the seams
And I’m subjected to relentless torment

My lame excuse that someone else was responsible
Is treated with the disdain it deserves
My penchant for a tart splits my world apart
And it’s become now a war of nerves

I’ve threatened to sue Fairfax Media
Then been forced to promptly revoke
If I proceed with the case, it’ll blow up in my face
And I’ll be gone: disgraced and broke

I’ll turn to the Labor Party to save me
To cover up this unwelcome disruption
To leave me at ease and pay all legal fees
It’s just a merry-go-round of corruption

I could continue to stick to my lame story
But am I willing to take that chance?
And bring down the Labor Government
Just because of the itch in my pants!

I just can’t resist the ladies of the night
I’ll get on the mobile just to say hello
But it’s getting quite hard, I’ll charge it all to my card
As my motel room becomes a bordello!

For all the problems plaguing this government
It seems the one that may well bring them down
Is the horny union guy who got a twinkle in his eye
Whenever he was out of town

So the moral of the story dear readers
As your credibility drowns in scandal and doubt
Look accusers in the eyes as you keep telling lies
While the Labor Party helps bail you out

(*ALLEGEDLY)