Friday, July 30, 2010


31st July, 2010

There once was man from Brissie,
Who did nothing whilst trying to look busy,
When the factions were asked,
They threw him out on his arse,
He didn’t see that coming, did he?!

The people realised this man Kevin Rudd,
Was nothing more than a vacuous dud,
Full of self-congratulation,
Seeking constant adulation,
His policies and ideas were just crud.

So while Rudd tried to remain firm,
He had a way of making people squirm,
With his stupid cheesy grin,
And policies paper thin,
He was gone in less than one awful term.

Rudd was knifed in the back by ‘Big Red’
She decided she'd be PM instead
So with the aid of the factions
She quickly swung into action
Before you knew it it was “off with his head”

So JG became the unelected PM,
She rang the faceless men to sincerely thank them,
But now she’s suffering in the polls
It seems her head will soon roll
And to the scrap heap Labor will be condemned!


Thursday, July 29, 2010

The Head Wobbler

July 30th, 2010

My name is Wayne Swan, and you’re taking your chances
By having me in charge of Australia’s finances
My old Nambour mate Kevin appointed me to the role
Now just 3 years later I’ve created a huge black hole

When I took on the job we were billions in the black
Now we’re billions in debt, please cut me some slack
When it comes to balancing the books I have no understanding
And I had no idea this job would be so demanding

My simple goal when I came into the Treasurers position
Was to give absolutely no ammunition to the opposition
To keep the budget in surplus and avoid another Labor recession
As such I spent billions and billions with limited discretion

So now we’re billions in debt and the budget is screwed
And Labor’s reputation as economic vandals has been renewed
I’m exposed as a fraud, which was the sum of all my fears
And to pay off my debt will take at least 20 years

I mumble, I’ll fumble, and I love to lecture the Libs
With my head wobbling madly as I spew out the fibs
My record has proven with the truth I am loose
And reality kicks in that I’m no Swan, I’m a goose!

Almost every day
Labor has something to say
Pushing so-called ‘reform’
But reform is hardly the norm
Under this Labor rule
Looks like we’ve all been fooled
Looking only at the polls
Spinning out of control
Hate to say it I fear
It’s all downhill from here
Take the first letter from each line
! (exclamation time!!!)

Wednesday, July 28, 2010


29th July, 2010

I won’t be discussing Cabinet deliberations
Unless it’s causing me personal complications
First I’ll blame the Libs for spreading such lies
Then admit the ‘smears’ are true: what a surprise!

I’ll then invent lame excuses explaining my actions
Talk about my past, my life: more inane distractions.
Such blasphemy is just too damaging to mention
Despite admitting I rejected a rise in the pension.

Those ‘old buggars’ vote Liberal, let them eat cake,
Now the truth has been leaked, it was quite a mistake
So listen to my pleads of economic responsibility
And watch me backflip and spin; such amazing agility!

As for paid parental leave, what would I know?
Parenting obviously is simply not my go,
I’ll dismiss my actions as being ‘fiscally judicious’
And hope like hell you believe my excuses capricious.

I’m clasping at straws as my credibility falls
And the billions I blew on Pink Batts & School Halls
Is further evidence of my inability to supervise
So please just ignore the facts and accept my lies!

Tuesday, July 27, 2010

"You're No Good"

28th July, 2010

Feeling better we're almost through
Feeling better 'cause we’re over you
We’ve learned our lesson, it’s left a scar
Now we see how bad you really are

You're no good
You're no good
You're no good
Gillard you're no good

I'm gonna say it again
You're no good
You're no good
You're no good
Gillard you're no good

You broke all promises that is true
We’re completely over a liar like you
Your incompetence there for all to see
Australians have a message for JG

You're no good
You're no good
You're no good
Julia’s no good

I'm gonna say it again
You're no good
You're no good
You're no good
Gillard you're no good

I'm telling you now Gillard, you are going away
We’ll forget about you in just a couple of days
You're no good
You're no good
You're no good
Julia’s no good

I'm gonna say it again
She’s no good
She’s no good
She’s no good
Gillard, she’s no good

You're no good
You're no good
You're no good
Julia’s no good

Monday, July 26, 2010

Does a Bear Shit in the Woods?

I’m sad, depressed,
A heavy chest.
Frustrated and anxious
At a PM so unctuous.
A woman so inept,
Promises broken, unkept.
Insincere, so vacuous.
Ineptitude so miraculous,
A woman of vanity,
Testing my sanity.
Hypocritical, a sham,
Every policy a scam.
Such pride and conceit,
A smile masked by deceit.
The lies and fabrications,
More frustrations.
Wasted spending in haste,
So wrong, such waste.
I’ve become a prophet of doom
Living in Gillard’s vacuum.
She won’t deliver the goods?
Does a bear shit in the woods?

Sunday, July 25, 2010

The Big Prize

26th July, 2010

There is a Labor lady named Jules
Who breaks all credibility rules
She fails to connect
With the nation she's wrecked
Labor can't keep treating voters like fools

There is a Liberal leader named Tony
Who Labor tries to lambast as phoney
But as his life achievements reveal
He's both sincere and real
And the criticism is a load of baloney

So as Tony and Jules contest the big prize
And stand before discerning voters eyes
Recall all the failures and spin
And the deep debt we're in
Don't be sucked in by Labor's bullshit and lies

Friday, July 23, 2010

The Great Facade

July 24th 2010

Something most bizarre happened today
I stopped and listened to what she’d say
I removed my bias and freed my mind
Intrigued to discover what I might find

There she stood, her hair ablaze
The clatter of cameras did not phase
I eagerly awaited this important exchange
As she divulged her plans on Climate Change

Despite my ‘denial’ of the so-called science
I was a perfect picture of idle compliance
I was willing to listen for her grand solution
To tackle the emission, the evil pollution

The great unwashed with placards disrupted
She remained unmoved, not interrupted
Her grand plan was about to be unveiled
She wouldn’t allow this moment to be derailed

At last she’d fix this environmental crime
The great “moral challenge” of our lifetime
But as her words come out I became delirious
A ‘Citizens Assembly’? She cannot be serious?

Once again it was Labor exercising mind control
Like ‘Police Academy 4: Citizens on Patrol’*
She’s done nothing to appease the Greens despair
And all she’s given us is more hot air (CO2?!)

As the facade ends she allows herself one smug grin
Once again the punters have been sucked in
The ALP spin-machine is just playing politics
It's all about the headline, the lame quick fix

So as the sun goes down and it darkens tonight
The dumbed-down masses will all sleep tight
When the truth be known they just don’t realise
It’s dark because the wool’s been pulled over their eyes!


Thursday, July 22, 2010

A Child’s Wish.

With magical powers I enthral the crowd,
“Please make a wish, don’t say it out loud”.
I will grant one wish to one lucky person,
Designed to ensure their fate won’t worsen.

So who will it be? Whose wish will be granted?
I will choose very carefully who’ll be enchanted.
A child it will be, one of innocent mind,
Such purity and wisdom beautifully intertwined.

Close your eyes child, and repeat your desire,
Try to ignore my ecclesiastical attire.
Hold my hand now and concentrate hard,
Consider me your Praetorian guard.

Keep repeating your wish inside your mind,
When you open your eyes you’ll be delighted to find
Your wish has come true, your desire assumed,
Your soul will be saved, you’re no longer doomed.

Make it a wish which will secure your future,
And heal your wounds better than a surgeon’s suture.
Here is your chance child to remove all your fears,
And make better the world for the next hundred years.

Feel my energy child, as it flows through to you.
I feel it, it’s done, your wish will now come true.
Stand up now child and say out loud to your neighbour,
What is your wish: “Please.... No more Labor”.

Saturday, July 17, 2010

A Week in the Life of the Worst Government in Australia’s History

Sunday ‘Rudd calls the tune’
Sunday’s papers headlines scream a story brewing as most sinister,
The deposed PM, Kevin Rudd, insists “I’ll be Foreign Minister”.
Rudd’s pulled the knives from his back and has focussed on his own ambition,
But the irony is that in 6 weeks, Rudd may well be the Leader of the Opposition!

Monday ‘Everything old is Nauru again’
On Monday Gillard looks for a new narrative, this time Border Protection,
But she’s stuffed up again and is deflecting questions caused by East Timor’s rejection.
Her thought bubble has been popped, her ‘negotiations’ have proven untrue,
Too proud, too stupid, too pig headed, to negotiate with Nauru.

Tuesday ‘Endless Conversations’
By Tuesday any remaining shine has gone, the honeymoon diminished,
And any remaining credibility is completely finished.
She speaks of having “conversations” but it’s incompetence she’s displaying,
She can babble on all she likes, but nobody believes a word she’s saying!

Wednesday ‘Swan’s Black Hole’
By Wednesday it’s time for deputy PM, the incompetent Wayne Swan,
To again remove any lingering doubt that he has any clue what’s going on!
For weeks he said he wouldn’t budge on the 40% threshold of the RSPT,
But a $7.5 Billion back down still has the head-wobbler saying ‘how clever are we’?!

Thursday ‘No Jokes from Laurie Oakes’
“Rightio” says Julia, “I’ll regain the initiative with a National Press Club speech,
I’ll get up there and talk about what Australia needs, oh how I love to preach.
Hold on a sec, is that Laurie Oakes? He seems to have an agitated demeanour,
Old Laurie will never forgive me for knifing Rudd, his mate, his former house cleaner”.

Friday ‘Evans above, it’s killing us’
Just as Julia thinks it can’t get worse, and is looking to regain fading credibility,
Another big-mouthed Minister shoots from the lip, and causes more instability.
An angry Evans says it’s “killing us”, but it’s not people smugglers making him irate,
The reason for his anger is because “he’s lost control of the debate”.

Saturday ‘Look Forward to Election Day’
“For just how long can we continue this facade? No more mistakes we can afford,
We’ve left a trail of destruction in just 3 years, don’t look back, just look forward”.
So the Australian public can now make a decision to terminate this farce,
And we can all “look forward” to August 21st, when Labor gets kicked out on their arse!

Friday, July 9, 2010


FAMOUS POLITICAL SPEECHES (If Julia Gillard made them)
July 10th, 2010

“As President I hold the responsibility for choosing the best path for that goal and then leading the nation along it”.
Richard M. Nixon, The Great Silent Majority, 3 November 1969
“As Prime Minister, I reject all responsibility for choosing the wrong path for our country and then leading the nation along it. That was Kevin Rudd’s fault”.
Julia Gillard, June 24th 2010.

“Ask not what your country can do for you; ask what you can do for your country”.
President John F. Kennedy, Inaugural Address, 20 January 1961
“Ask not what your country can do for you: ask ‘what do the opinion polls say’?”
Julia Gillard, June 25th 2010.

“I have a dream that one day this nation will rise up and live out the true meaning of its creed: ‘We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal’."
Martin Luther King, 28 August 1963, Lincoln Memorial, Washington D.C.
“I have a Dream. I will get back to you with the details once I consult the focus-group data.”
Julia Gillard, July 8th 2010.

Thursday, July 8, 2010

Dumb and Dumber

July 9th 2010

Julia ponders her first 2 weeks in power as she powders her nose in front of the mirror...

Nobody told me it’d be this hard,
Maybe I’ve pulled the wrong card?
It’s tough this job, I’m all alone,
Somebody get Kevin on the phone!

I need to ask him what to do,
I must act fast or it’ll be ‘adieu’.
I thought it’d be as simple as more spinning,
To ensure the election’s mine for the winning.

Being 2IC is a piece of cake,
Nobody can spot you as a fake.
But when it’s up to me to lead the way,
I must be careful what I say.

So when I say East Timor is my grand solution,
For boat people distribution,
I probably should’ve checked the validity,
Now I’ve been exposed for my stupidity.

Seems this latest moronic thought bubble
Has landed me in a touch of trouble.
I’ll refer to the ‘K Rudd’ book of obfuscation,
To save face in light of this aberration.

Motherhood statements aren’t good enough,
The critics see through it, they’re getting tough.
Glib and vague may have worked for some,
But now I'm 'Dumber' to Kevin's 'Dumb'!

Wednesday, July 7, 2010

“Let’s do the Back Flip again” by Julia Gillard

“It’s the Shocking Horror Gillard Show”
8th July 2010

It's confounding, I am cheating
Madness in the polls
Don’t listen too closely, for very much longer
I've slowly lost control

I’m enjoying doing the Back Flip
Changing dud policies
The back bench disown me with the left loudly calling
Let's do the Back Flip again...
Let's do the Back Flip again!

It's just a jump to the left
And then a lurch to the right
With a purse of the lips
Just try to seem contrite
But it's the blatant lies that really drive you insane,
Let's do the Back Flip again!

More bad dreaming, bad policy free me
No rational reason, another bad call
With a pending election, must sway the voter’s intention
As per Garrett, just change it all
With one hell of a back flip
Hoping for a quick poll blip
And nothing will ever be the same
I’m spinning out this great nation, another abberation
Let's do the Back Flip again!

Well I was looking at the polls and I needed a drink
Another failed policy, what will the voters think?
I shook things up, I took Rudd by surprise
Stabbed him in the back as I looked him in the eyes
He stared at me with hatred quite deranged
Lies mean nothing, look at what I gained!
Let's do the Back Flip again!

Tuesday, July 6, 2010


July 7th 2010

Only 2 weeks into the job and Julia performs yet another policy back flip.
She’s proving to be Stuart McGill to Rudd’s Shane Warne; both master spinners!

First the mining tax, now border protection.

I know we said we’d “turn boats back”,
But the bleeding hearts gave us flak.
Another policy back flip most bizarre,
‘Twas a nice try, but no cigar!

So yet again we bluff the voters,
We’re the champion self-promoters.
The policy fixes so well planned,
Are policies drafted by our own hand.

We try to make people believe,
Yet once again Labor deceive.
We make a problem, then digress,
“How great are we? We fixed that mess”!

Will my lame solution protect our border?
Will this cynical effort fix the disorder?
There was no problem when we came to power,
Now boats are arriving by the hour.

So for all the muck I threw at Howard
I’ve proven myself to be a coward.
“Pass the buck” is my resolution,
I’ve come up with my own ‘unspecific’ solution!

Seems I have the media in the palm of my hand,
They’re lapping up my deceit at my command,
The secret to my success? I’m happy to share it:
Create a problem then repair it!

Saturday, July 3, 2010

Julia sings "I am Woman"

July 6th 2010

Listen as you read:

I’m a woman, hear my drawl
My treason led to Kevin’s fall
And my loyalty can very quickly end
‘cause I want it all the more
And I trade favours for rapport
Nothing’s ever gonna keep me down again


Yes I won the prize
I’m in charge along with Wayne
Kevin paid the price
Now look how much I gained
If I have to, I will kill anyone
Even when I’m wrong (wrong)
I am untouchable (untouchable)
'cause I'm a woman

I can bend any guarantee
‘cause I’ll just say it wasn’t me
Such lies led me to achieve my final goal
Although I’ve never been wronger
Not a novice any longer
You've exposed the lack of conviction in my soul


I’m now PM, quid pro quo
The puppet masters all aglow
The coup d’etat’s complete just as they had planned
I simply could not say no
The leading puppet in their show
I’m at their beck and call, at their command

Oh so many lies
There’s no wisdom, just the blame
Kevin paid the price
And look how much I gained
If I have to I can kill anyone

Like Penny Wong (Wong)
I am despicable (despicable)
I’m a woman
Oh, I’m a woman
I’m unelectable
I don’t belong

I’m unelectable
I don’t belong

6 Questions

Please feel free to post your thoughts, your answers, feedback and suggestions,
To the following list of 6 thought-provoking, probing and serious questions.

Question One;
Are we being too hard, not giving sufficient regard, to Rudd and judging him harshly?
Picking on him, for inane policy whims, his grandstanding, his ideas so ghastly,
His symbolic crap, his ear-wax eating snack, his lip-licking lizard impersonation,
Or should we give him a chance, soften our stance, for a fair crack at leading our nation?

Question Two;
Is Rudd really so naïve, as to think we believe, all the bullshit and spin he conveys?
How else could you explain, the excruciating pain, he inflicts on us every day,
The apology joke, carbon emissions up in smoke, ‘working families’ screwed by the hour,
The 2020 summit pain in the arse, the alco-pop farce, and Kyoto: he’s intoxicated by power!

Question Three:
Is Gillard, the hack, keen to have a crack, planning a coup behind Kevin’s back?
Is she rallying the numbers, keeping count of Rudd’s blunders, and ready to go on the attack?
If she brought Rudd to his knees, everyone would be pleased, they’d say she’s one of the greats,
If she did that she’d manage, to refute the old adage: “If you’ve got red hair, you’ve got no mates!”

Question Four:
Does K-Rudd have bigger and better plans for himself? Is he pitching for a U.N position?
With his posturing smile, and his frequent-flier miles, is Australia too small for his vision?
He’s so keen on Asia, doesn’t it amaze ya, that he treats our problems and issues as minor,
As he travels the world, will his real plan unfurl: the first Australian President of China?

Question Five:

How long can this last, this incredible farce, as we watch our great country come undone?
To think this man of inflection, won a general election; how could Australians have been so dumb?
And with each day in time, in search of another headline, he makes decisions that must be withstood,
As we sadly remember, that before 2007 November, Australians never had it so good.

Question Six;
Finally my friends, as this questionnaire ends, my final question for you all to answer:
What did we do to deserve Rudd, the man is such a dud, infecting us all with his cancer?
So it looks like we’re stuck, with this maniac shmuck, until the voters next have their word,
So I leave you with this prose, and as the old saying goes, you can try but “you can’t polish a turd”!

Gillard phones Rudd

Gillard phones Rudd from her desk in the PM’s office a few weeks after deposing him:
July 4th, 2010

“Mr. Rudd, I have the PM on the line, will you accept the call”?
“So the bitch decides to phone me after engineering my fall”!?
“Ms Gillard’s on the line right now, awaiting your acceptance”
“Yeah, put the backstabber through, I’ve got a few questions”.

“Kevin Rudd speaking, what the hell do you want Julia”?
“When I insisted I was your loyal deputy, I really did fool ya”!
“You knifed me in the back, you destroyed my high ambitions”.
“With you as PM, the only high hopes were the coalitions”.

“I know I had a bad run there, a few things went off track”.
“A few? It was disastrous mate, we just had to change tack”.
“Ok, forget it, let’s move on, let’s not rake over old coals”.
“But I must say I miss my old office, with my hands on the controls”.

I’m sitting at your old desk right now, and there’s something I need to ask”.
"Fire away Jules, what have you got? I’m ready for any task”
“I’m looking forward to joining your ministry, getting back into the caper”.

“Actually Kevin I was calling to ask...where do you keep the Liquid Paper”?

What Julia says....and what Julia means

July 5th, 2010

On initial rumours of challenging Kevin Rudd for the Prime Ministership:
Julia says: “There’s more chance of me replacing full-forward Barry Hall”.
Julia means: “I’m lining the weasel up for one hell of a fall”.

On persistent rumours of challenging Kevin Rudd for the Prime Ministership:
“There’s more chance of me flying to the moon”.
“The assassins are in motion. I’ll be the P.M. soon”.

On the knife in Rudd’s back and the blood on her hands:
Julia says: “This was a good government which had lost its direction.”
Julia means: “We’ll do whatever it takes to win the election”.

On the backflip on the Mining Tax:
Julia says: “Through consultation I’ve rescued the tax at the 11th hour.”
Julia means: “I’ll do whatever it takes to remain in power”.

On border protection and boat people:
Julia says: “I will protect our borders, the flow of boats I will stem”.
Julia means: “I’ll say whatever is required to remain P.M.”

On the future of the “great big tax”, the ETS:
Julia says: “I will speak to the people and gain a consensus”.
Julia means: “I need to find a quick way to pay off our expenses”.

On being a puppet to the unions and factions:
Julia says: “I am in charge of the government, I control the how, who and why”.
Julia means: “When the faceless men say ‘jump’, I ask them ‘how high’".

On being in the ‘Gang of Four’ when all the disastrous policies were signed off:
Julia says: “It was Kevin’s fault, he is to blame, all dud policies were signed in his name”.
Julia means: “It was my fault, I am to blame, all dud policies were co-signed in my name”.

And finally: On her deputy, the incomparably incompetent Wayne Swan:
Julia says: “Wayne is a brilliant manager of Australia’s finance”.
Julia means: “Wayne can’t count to eleven without removing his pants”.