Wednesday, April 27, 2011


Wayne went to the cupboard to see what was there
But when he opened the cupboard the cupboard was bare
He searched high & wide for something to use
But all he could find were lots of IOU's

The reality dawned on Wayne and he felt sad
That due to his waste the situation was bad
Just 4 years ago he was rolling in cash
But it was all gone now due to decisions rash

After 4 years in charge of the nation's accounts
Wayne's under the pump as the pressure mounts
He's yet to deliver a set of positive numbers
Thanks to Wayne our economy encumbers

It seems Wayne has sold the family farm
His ineptitude has done so much harm
The Coalition’s surplus is spent
There’s no money left to pay the rent

Because Wayne’s such a silly duffer
Seems the rest of us must suffer
And thanks to all the wastage that he brang
We’re all now the victims of the ‘razor gang’

Even though we’re in the midst of Mining Boom Mk II
Wayne’s got absolutely no idea what to do
He assures us our economy’s in full throttle
But now the inflation genie’s out of the bottle

It’s one excuse after the next from Swan
As he tries to explain where the money has gone
“There’s no rivers of gold” is his latest regret
Because all the rivers flow into his ocean of debt*
As at April 21st Total Commonwealth Government Securities on Issue - $189.840 Billion

Wednesday, April 20, 2011

WAYNE'S PAIN (Diddums for Wayne)

Don’t you feel sorry for Wayne?
Can’t you just feel his pain?
As much as he’d love to fudge it
He just can’t balance his budget

Poor old Swannie laments
This unfortunate turn of events
That sees his budget completely destroyed
Economic ruin he couldn’t avoid

Because he was forced to waste
And had to spend so much in haste
As the ‘Gang of 4’ convened
And approved overpriced school canteens

Pissed billions against many walls
And built inappropriate school halls
Displayed such gross depravity
To put pink batts in your roof cavity

Which not only drained millions again
But caused the deaths of 4 young men
It cost over a billion to line your roof
Wayne’s fault? You got any concrete proof?

It’s not Wayne’s fault all those ‘green’ schemes
Didn’t develop into a tree-huggers dreams
How the hell could Wayne have known
That the costs would be so overblown?

He inherited a $20 billion surplus
But now that’s something we can’t discuss
Because after 4 years of being a dud
Swanny’s blamed it all on a flood

A tragic flood, absolutely no doubt
But for Wayne it’s his easy way out
And just to enforce his incriminating plan
Wayne also blames the earthquake in Japan

Again, an absolutely shocking human disaster
But Swanny, don’t lecture us like a schoolmaster
Your pathetic effort at spending our money
Is so sad it’s almost funny

So as we career towards $200B in debt*
And you thought you’d seen the worst of it yet
You thought the waste of money has been sinister?
Right now, Wayne’s our acting Prime Minister! (God help us…)

Our country has absolutely no hope
Under the leadership of this dope
Who destroys every plan he introduces
And all he offers is lame excuses

And when you get your next power bill
And you feel like you’re pushing shit uphill
Don’t worry, we can all relax
Because Swanny’s introducing another new tax

What did we do to deserve Gillard & Swan?
Normally credibility is a sine qua non
For political leaders in Australia
But everything this mob do is a failure

I don’t want your lame excuses Wayne
For inflicting so much unnecessary pain
And blaming everyone but yourself
For leaving fiscal rectitude on the shelf

Go cry by yourself in the corner Swanny
Excuses? We’ve already heard too many
You’ve wasted so much you’re an embarrassing bore
Don’t let the door hit your arse on your way out the door.

I'm bloody angry that this idiot, along with Rudd, Gillard, Wong, Garrett, Conroy & Combet are destroying consumer & business confidence and our fabric of life. Waste and recklessness. And massive debt.
And excuses.
The article in question:

Tuesday, April 19, 2011


Rudd remains preferred leader
Whilst Gillard’s losing ground
Swan has 10% support
This survey does astound

Rudd’s support’s dropped 21%
Since February last year
But he remains a clear favourite
Exactly why is most unclear

He’s still the same annoying bloke
Driven by self-centred goals
His narcissism drives his desire
To be back at the controls

Gillard’s support is dropping fast
The voters now realise
She’s completely out of her depth
And they won’t forgive her lies

With just 29% support
Down 11% since last May
The voters are sick of her dishonesty
And her government in decay

Then there’s the head wobbler
Wayne Swan got 10% on the report
Newspoll rang Swan’s friends & family
To garner that level of support!

1 in 10 would like Wayne Swan
To be leader of our country
But what the polling didn’t report
Was that 8% want Humphrey

And another 8% preferred Elmo
Whilst 9% would vote for Homer
The notion of Wayne Swan as PM
Is clearly a misnomer

The poll clearly shows they’ve lost the plot
And all levels of support
Such low numbers of approval:
It’s the Labor Minority Report!

Who are the 25% that make up the 'Uncommitted' as preferred Labor leader?
The REAL Newspoll:

Article here:

Sunday, April 17, 2011


Today I'm feeling very green
Unable to express my thoughts
Can't communicate my anger
At Labor's waste & rorts

I’m suffering from writer’s block
Ideas? Can’t think of one
Now I know how Labor feels
Particularly Wayne Swan

A man bereft of fresh ideas
See how low he stoops
Spews out by rote the latest lines
Supplied by focus groups

Today I have a hangover
Like Swan, a bungled mess
My head wobbles, my speech is slurred
I must soon convalesce

Can’t get a clearing in my brain
To convey just how I’m feeling
To articulate my wish that Gillard
Was a victim of the glass ceiling!

I’m trying to wonder to myself
What we did to deserve her
We must’ve been a victim
Of some heartless saboteur

I lie on the couch motionless
My head a constant thud
And the pain is not eased at all
By thoughts of Kevin Rudd

What a narcissistic little man
In love with his reflection
Driven by a fall from grace
His own party’s rejection

I nod into a peaceful snooze
Pain allayed by my slumber
Suddenly I’m in a sweat
Nausea I must encumber

My free advice to friends & foes
When a hangover curses you
Dismiss thoughts of the Labor Party
Or you’re guaranteed to spew!

Friday, April 15, 2011


Gillard: I’ve lied to the public on so many occasions
I’ve reinvented myself at least 14 times
Swan: I’ve got no idea about treasury equations
I’ve squandered so much I should be tried for waste crimes

Shorten: I’m just a junior minister but act like such a smarty
I’ve knocked off one PM and I’m keen for another
Rudd: I’ve been sacked as PM by my very own party
I’ve fallen out with everyone, even my own brother

Garrett: I couldn’t even manage to give stuff away
I’ve been out of the fire and into the pan
Conroy: I don’t even listen to what the experts say
I’m spending tens of billions on an uncosted plan

Roxon: I’m arrogant and smug in everything I say
Even though I’ve achieved nothing in nearly 4 years
Plibersek: I speak down to people in a patronising way
I’ve proven to be very wet behind the ears

Faulkner: I’ve been unanimously judged the world’s most boring person
And couldn’t even last as a senior minister
Macklin: I’m just hanging around as situations worsen
And do nothing but say ‘Tony Abbott is sinister’

Wong: I failed my first posting so they moved me along
Now I’m stuffing up the Finance ministry
Emerson: All I’ve said and done has been proven wrong
Through my constant displays of rudeness and bigotry

Arbib: I’m a faceless man wielding my power
An egotistical warrior who just loves locking swords
Ellis: Does my hair look good? Am I paid by the hour?
Sorry, what was the question? Ummm, more women on boards?

Thursday, April 14, 2011


We always knew they were halfwits
But now they’ve removed all doubt
When they said “100%”
Their estimation was 50% out!

“Every cent raised will go to families
By way of compensation”
But such talk has quickly proved nonsense
More A.L.P. obfuscation

I saw Greg Combet on my TV
Saying all money would be returned
But he lied through his teeth to all of us
You’d think by now we’d have learned

That Labor and honesty aren’t compatible
They go together like water and oil
And as more lies and stuff ups are exposed
The Labor fa├žade continues to uncoil

And then there was the angry ant,
The snarling Simon Crean
When he said “all money” would compensate
There was no doubt what he did mean

But he too misled by 50 per cent
And more evidence is mounting
That Combet and Crean both graduated
From the 'Wayne Swan School of Counting'

Because Swanny’s the economic genius
Who can’t count past ten without removing his pants
He’s giving advice on economic matters?
Why would anyone take that chance?

Swanny’s completely stuffed the budget
Huge deficit and massive debt
So they’re trying to bring in another new tax
And that’s not the half of it yet

Because ‘all money’ won’t be returned
Only half will assist rising prices
These dickheads can’t count and they lie to you
And you’re left to your own devices

A dishonest bunch of crooks
Treating the public with a dismissive laugh
So whenever they give you a number
Make sure you divide it by half…

............... BUT WAIT ...............

...If you divide a number by half
It’s the same as multiplying it by two
And that folks is the way Labor
Goes about misleading you…..

Andrew Bolt's article here:

Wednesday, April 13, 2011


A man was walking down the street
He felt a lump beneath his feet
He knelt to enquire what he’d found
What was this object on the ground?

He had to take a second look
It was a little black leather book
What had he found, this mystery walker?
The cover said ‘The property of Bruce Hawker’

He opened up his mystery find
So many thoughts ran through his mind
He thumbed the pages like they were braille
He’d found the Labor ‘Holy Grail’

He stopped suddenly on page 16
Astounded by what he had just seen
Circled boldly in texta green
Was “How to create a Smokescreen”

He kept on flicking through the book
He felt obliged to have a look
He thought ‘this Hawker is a crook’
And would clearly do ‘whatever it took’

But guilt soon got the best of him
He thought it best to hand it in
But he was so disturbed at the words therein
He tossed the book in the nearest bin

And so there lay Bruce Hawker’s words
Amongst rotting food and dog’s turds
He’d driven Labor’s vote down to 1/3
It’s amazing they still allow him to be heard

Hawker wanted one more shot at the title
He begged the ALP for one more recital
He rang Julia and pleaded ‘Please entitle’
‘The Smokescreen’ tactic is now most vital

So Gillard allowed him a one on one
To listen to the tactics of her hired gun
She shook his hand and said ‘This will be fun’
‘You have my word Bruce, it will be done’

What had Gillard & Hawker plotted?
What was the 'Smokescreen' Hawker had devised?

Stay tuned for Part 2: 'Houston, We Have a Problem'.....


Stephen Smith & Air Chief Marshal Angus Houston

Bruce Hawker's 'Little Black Book' has been found by a stranger on a city street, with the words 'Create a Smokescreen' highlighted. What was the 'smokescreen' reference?

Part 2:

Julia Gillard addresses her crestfallen troops.
Sick of the flak over the Carbon Tax, she's looking for fresh ideas to divert attention.

Thanks for coming, good morning team
We’re in the deepest shit you’ve ever seen
We’ve consulted the Hawker-Britton machine
And it’s sage advice? "Create a smokescreen"!

Any ideas? I don’t care how sleazy
Anybody got anything? What about you Albanese?
A rail line in western Sydney? No, far too cheesy
If we try that one again I’d feel most uneasy…

Swan stands up, head wobbling madly.

To divert attention from the hullabaloo
How about I dig out the Henry Tax Review?
I could say I’m looking at tax options anew
I could say these changes are long overdue

Gillard thumps the table in disgust.

Sit down & shut up Swan, you’re as thick as a brick
You really are a most ignorant prick
Although such a tactic is typical Labor shtick
Any new tax would give Abbott another free kick

All the vacant brains of the Labor caucus are stumped for ideas.

Come on you lot, is there any comprehension
Of how desperate I am to divert the attention?
Give me some ideas or I’ll cancel your pension
Remember the ALP code: lying is the mother of invention

We must get the Carbon Tax off the front page
To deviate the focus and appease people’s rage
We must act quickly before they all disengage
And we’ll all be asked to permanently exit the stage

A soft voice speaks up amidst the deafening silence and blank stares.
It’s Defence Minister Stephen Smith;

I think I might have something that’ll frighten the horses
A scandal of sorts in the Armed Defence Forces
We could leak the story through undisclosed sources
I’ll shout ‘this isn’t the type of behaviour Labor endorses’

Gillard seems impressed.

That’s it Smithy, that’ll be our great saviour
Now give me the details of this disgraceful behaviour

Smith is concerned he may have given his leader false hope.

Disgraceful? No not really, just a stupid male prank
But I’m sure if we tap into the Hawker-Britton think tank
We could find a good angle for which we can thank
And I’ll play the role of the short tempered crank

By this stage, Gillard is all systems go for Smith’s diversionary tactics.

With our primary vote as low as 30 per cent
We must appease the groundswell of discontent
Such a media beat up will be heaven sent
Smithy, please tell me your plan to misrepresent

Smith stands, realising this is his call to arms, his chance to shine.
He tells his dumbstruck colleagues of his master plan, straight from the Hawker-Britton textbook of Political Subterfuge.

I’ll order 6 enquiries to create ADFA cultural wars
I’ll create the biggest shit storm that no media ignores
I’ll get Angus on the phone as the hysteria soars
And say "Houston we have a problem… and mate, it’s all yours"!

Monday, April 11, 2011


Did anybody speak on QandA tonight, apart from Penny Wong?
5 panelists usually have their say, but it seems tonight I'm wrong
As usual there was Tony Jones, looking regal and statuesque
And there was Penny Wong, seemingly on her own behind the desk

It was Penny’s show tonight and she rambled on without dispute
Whilst every other panel member was cut short and appeared mute
Each time Greg Hunt began to speak and defend the opposition
Wong cut him off and rolled her eyes and presented her position

And Jones just let her prattle on and make her unsubstantiated claims
She always had the final word and tried to shoot Hunt down in flames
But Greg Hunt’s an impressive man and retained his calm composure
But Jones let Wong have the final say and bring things to a closure

Each time a probing question was asked, Jones immediately turned to Penny
He didn’t seek the opinions of others, he must’ve though they don’t have any
All he cared about was giving Wong the chance to defend Labor’s reckless way
And each time Hunt made a point of magnitude, he gave Wong the final say

I challenge you to check the transcript when it becomes available
And count the words of each of the 5 panellists seated behind the table
I guarantee a word count will expose the dominance of Wong
And the ongoing bias of QandA and Jones behaviour is just wrong

After the show Jones would be pleased with the way it ran its course
While Hunt would’ve been most annoyed, and Penny would’ve been hoarse
She’d been allowed to talk and talk and was permitted regular rebuttal
As Tony Jones cut others off with a bias not so subtle

From here on Q and A is renamed “Ask Penny Wong a Question”
As she gives a glib & vague excuse for each Labor transgression
And nobody else will be allowed to espouse their point of view
To each question asked, Tony Jones will say: “Penny Wong, over to you”.

The Postman Always Rings Twice

Hi it’s Wayne, your treasurer
Just ringing to say gidday
You know while the sun is shining
I hope you’re making hay

I’m sure you’ve got your house in order
I’m sure you’re building wealth
But watch out for my sleight of hand
I’m robbing you by stealth

You see, remember back in 09
When Kevin went on the attack
And we went on that spending spree?
Well, now we want our money back

Seems we panicked at the GFC
When we should’ve hastened slowly
But we sent out cheques to everyone
Now our bank balance is lowly

In fact we’re stone cold broke, bankrupt
Not 2 cents to rub together
And any chance of paying off our debt
Is in the never-never

The budget’s so far in the red
I’m thinking of chucking in the keys
Those overpriced school canteens
Have brought us to our knees

And all the other reckless spending
Like putting pink batts up in ceilings
Well, I bloody want my money back
Sorry if I’ve hurt your feelings

We’ve blown so much on stupid plans
All in the name of appeasing the Greens
So much waste, spending in haste
Living well beyond our means

Borrowing millions every day
Just to stay afloat
Throwing billions at the crossbenchers
To get their casting vote

Building new detention centres
And millions spent on hotel rooms
To pay for the influx of boat people
My hour of reckoning looms

The budget’s due in just 4 weeks
I’m in such deep shit it’s not funny
But I’m coming back a second time
And this time I want money

You had your fun back in 09
A brand new big screen Plasma TV
Now I’m back to get my money back
Make out the cheque to “The A.L.P.”

That day you got your cheque in the mail
When you felt all fuzzy and nice
Remember, there’s no such thing as free money
And the postman always rings twice

Sunday, April 10, 2011


A Contrast in Styles

John Wayne, tough guy
Stick a needle in his eye
Gun fighter, big drinker
Bar fighter, deep thinker

Gunslinger, tough talker
Bullet proof, fire walker
Jaw puncher, law breaker
Fire breather, rule maker

Horse rider, horse rustler
Card shark, grog hustler
Fist fighter, womaniser
Enemies none the wiser

A man’s man, a true leader,
Wise speaker, gospel reader
In the thick of it, in the shit
The epitome of True Grit

Wayne Swan, inept
Can’t grasp a concept
Talks crap, wobbling head
Took us deep into the red

Money waster, dud leader
Budget wrecker, trough feeder
Unqualified, undignified
Failed at everything he tried

Disloyal, self protective
Inefficient, ineffective
No clue of economics
Learnt his trade in comics

Destroyer, denier
Dishonest, born liar
‘John’ Wayne Swan, idiot
The epitome of a True Git

Saturday, April 9, 2011

The Incredible Shrinking Woman

She came into politics with a lot of good will
But ever since then it’s been all downhill
Because slowly but surely she’s been exposed
Her dishonesty and ineptitude cruelly disclosed

Her leadership is now the brunt of all jokes
A consistent level of support she’s unable to coax
Labor now appeals to just 1 in 3 voters
Such a bunch of shonks and shameless self-promoters

And Gillard’s lack of authority is plain to see
With Rudd running around typically “look at me”
She’s got no idea how to handle the rebel
And her popularity drops to yet a lower level

She is the incredible shrinking woman of Australian politics
Seems the job’s beyond her means, she is somewhat transfixed
And the Labor experiment has drastically failed
As their nonsensical agenda has been derailed

Gillard shrinks to insignificance no matter what she tries
She’s untrustworthy and the voters don’t forget her lies
Our government stumbles from one disaster to the next
And leaves the Australian public angry and perplexed

Since being in the top job she seems to have shrunk
Her report card is stamped an unmitigated ‘flunk’
After 9 months in the job she’s hasn’t achieved much
And she’s got the opposite of the Midas Touch!

The Good The Bad and The Ugly

The Australian Labor Party

They behave with reckless abandon
They act arrogantly and smugly
They perform with incredible incompetence
The Good, the Bad and the Ugly

The Good ain’t so plentiful
In fact it’s as rare as rocking horse shit
Sacking Rudd was a bloody good thing
But that’s just about it

The Bad: how long have you got?
It’s a list as long as your arm
So many poor policies poorly administered
Causing enormous harm

The budget now runs a huge deficit
And the debt‘s growing by the week
4 people have died in roof cavities
And boats are arriving as we speak

Bodies floating off Christmas Island
School halls at fifty grand per square metre
It’s really little wonder
Their grip on power continues to teeter

The Ugly describes just about everything
When it comes to federal Labor
An ugly coalition with Greens & Independents
Who continue to rattle their sabre

They’ve been a horrible mixture of bad & ugly
With the good bits very rare indeed
And despite a second chance from the electorate
They continue to mislead

There’s nothing endearing about this Government
They’ve been so bad year after year
And despite changing leaders midstream
You can’t make a silk purse from a goat’s ear

Thursday, April 7, 2011


*NFI: No Frickin' Idea

Gillard: Quarterback or Halfwit?

Welcome to the 'N.F.I. Hyperbowl' , we’re all on the edge of our seat
It’s moments like this where opportunity and heroism meet
Who’ll be today’s champion? What heroics will we witness?
This is a test of bravery and skill and strength and fitness

Here’s Gillard, the quarterback, there’s pressure on her shoulders
Last week her team flogged the Philipines, the hapless Manila Folders!
And there’s her wide receiver, the nimble Kevin Rudd
Scored 3 touchdowns last week, sent ‘em packing with a thud!

There’s nothing quite like the Hyperbowl to get your adrenalin flowing
And the great interest tonight will be to see how well Gillard is throwing
She’s a no-nonsense player is Gillard, she’s looking to extol
And to others she’ll leave the political commentary and the hyperbowl!

Who’ll be the half-time entertainment? How much will a TV ad cost?
How will the players react when they’ve won or when they’ve lost?
Seems Gillard won’t pass the ball to Rudd, she’s treating him like a sinner
But Ruddy just keeps on smiling because he knows he’s already a winner

Here’s the final play, the crowd is hushed, it’s going down to the wire
Rudd’s telling Gillard which play to play, he’s really breathing fire
They take the field, a set formation, a loud raucous reception
Rudd runs wide, Gillard throws the ball…oh no… INTERCEPTION!

A mystery man’s stolen the pass and cuts a swathe through the strugglers
Who is that man with the hairy chest in the red budgie smugglers?
He palms them off, nears the end zone, seems he’s going downtown!
15 yards…10 yards…he’s there…TOUCHDOWN!

Gillard slumps to her knees and assumes the foetal position
Rudd stands over her, shakes his head, a tirade of admonition
Gillard slowly gets to her feet and loses all semblance of self control
“Oh shut up Kevin, I’ve had it with you and your incessant hyperbowl”!!

Gillard's embarrassing 'hyperbowl' gaffe here:

Wednesday, April 6, 2011


A press conference a day keeps me right in the loop
And my presence ensures Julia’s jumping through hoops
Now that her lack of ability is being exposed
My intransigence ensures she is predisposed

I admit a great source of my continued frustrations
Is my inability to land a job with the United Nations
So I’ve refocussed my efforts once again
On dethroning Julia and becoming PM

Am I deluded to think I’ll be ‘grand poobah’ again?
My ego’s so big I think it’s almost certain
69% of people surveyed say the want me+
Seems over half of Australia’s had a lobotomy!

So I went on Q & A last Monday night
And had Julia Gillard in my line of sight
The bitch had deposed me as the Head of State
And it was time for me to set the record straight

It was time for me to disclose my version of events
And deceptively ensure my story misrepresents
Because as long as the exact details remain a mystery
I retain the moral high ground to rewrite history

Without naming names I dumped her & Swan in the poo
I had to protect my legacy, what else could I do?
I’ve added to the government’s unstable appearance
I just love upsetting Gillard by running intereference

I must admit that I’ve loved sitting back and observing
Gillard get the hammering of which she’s so deserving
I’ve been stoic and brave with a stiff upper lip
But after my Q & A effort folks…..I’ve gotta zip…


Kevin, your doctor called.....

'Jack the Insider' agrees that Rudd's Q & A application for the top job was self-serving and disturbing. And designed to make Gillard's life a hell of a lot harder:

Tuesday, April 5, 2011


Somebody stop me I’m outta control
I’ve got the momentum, I am on a roll
I’ve been lying low now for far too long
I’ll show ‘em the Ruddster is back on song

People seem to have forgotten I was a useless PM
Now I’m back to my old tricks of baffling them
With bullshit and diatribe that flies over their heads
This is just the scenario that Julia dreads

I’ve taken the knives and the axe from my back
And fastidiously got my career back on track
I’ll leak to the media wherever I go
To ensure there’s a news crew apropos

At the height of the floods I broke into a house
Brave and heroic virtues I did tirelessly espouse
Carried a big suitcase above my head, looking forlorn
Then the tenant came home to find his luggage was gone!

Slowly but surely I’ve rebuilt my brand
And Gillard’s ineptitude has played into my hand
As she deliberately drives up the cost of living
People say “Come back Ruddy, all is forgiven”!

Such short memories, it’s been less than a year
Since the majority of folks wanted me out of here*
I’d proven myself to be a man lacking conviction
Short on the action but big on the diction

Now after 9 months of slowly getting back in the swing
And travelling to Turkey & Greece & Berlin
Ethiopa, Switzerland and Liechtenstein
Ruddy’s back in Australia and doing just fine

*Short memories: Newspoll graphic from 10th May 2010. 6 weeks later Rudd was gone, sacked by his own party.



Bill Shorten on 7.30, what a funny bloke
I really enjoyed his side-splitting joke
His straight face defied his jocularity
And may explain his latent popularity

A politician with humour is a genuine novelty
This guy is a very talented at dry wit & comedy
He delivered his punchline without a trace of a snigger
Which made the brilliance of his gag even bigger

He said a few funny things many and various
But one joke in particularly was exquisitely hilarious!
It still make me giggle, it still gives me shivers
He said “This government under promises and over delivers”

Did he really say “Under promise and over deliver”?!
About this useless mob which has sold us down the river
They continue to treat us as if we’re all stupid
Whilst their record in government has been putrid

They say a good laugh is a perfect remedy
And Shorten is now the ‘King of Comedy’
His humour appeals to the ordinary folk
And his entire government is an ordinary joke!

How can he get away with such a blatant furphy?
This guy is even funnier than Eddie Murphy
I laughed out loud and punched the air
And I fair dinkum nearly fell off my chair!

The 'Comedy' Channel here:

Shorten's actual joke:
"I think our party is a very strong party. I think the way this Labor Party does well is by under-promising and over delivering".
Champagne comedy!

Monday, April 4, 2011


You’ve been the Treasurer for nearly 4 years Wayne
And you’ve made us endure more than our fair share of pain
From wasteful and reckless spending you could not refrain
And your attempts to balance the books are legerdemain

But all we hear from you is one excuse after the next
And your lies and deceit are getting more and more complex
The budget blow out and debt levels leave us perplexed
I bet you wish you hadn’t written all those blank cheques

In ’07 when you took over from Costello
The budget was in great shape apropos
But any fiscal rectitude you did quickly forego
With the GFC panic you thought “here we go”

You got just the excuse you needed to go on a spending spree
And demonstrated immediately that you’re an economic trainee
Spend, spend, spend, ASAP
Ignore the opposition’s advice to ‘wait and see’

“Go hard and go early” was the ALP creed
“We’ll send you free money in your hour of need”
Not only did you misappropriate, but you did misread
And spending and borrowing did greatly exceed

12 years of fine governance and financial brilliance
Saw Australia show the world economic resilience
After Howard & Costello overcame many a hindrance
Your mismanagement’s been an incredible difference

All the money is gone and we’re in massive debt
And we haven’t even seen the worst of it yet
‘The Goose’ has become your very own sobriquet
Thanks to the ‘gang of four’, that infamous quartet

What a useless bunch were you, Rudd, Gillard & Tanner
Into the works you threw the world’s biggest spanner
And you, as the treasurer, were the very worst planner
As you destroyed the economy in no uncertain manner

A budget blow out the size of which we’ve never seen
And a level of debt the likes of which there’s never been
As families struggle to survive on water and baked beans
You’ve taken taxpayers money and spent beyond your means

So now we must all pay for your panic and haste
And be handed a tough budget thanks to your waste
Any trust we had in your ability was sorely misplaced
And you leave in our mouths a very bitter taste

Your wasteful ineptitude makes us grind an axe
It’s spend, spend, spend, then tax, tax, tax
If Gillard an ounce of gumption she’d give you the sack
And only when you are gone can we all relax

You’re like watching a train crash in slow motion
Despite your shortcomings, you’ve weathered the commotion
How do you survive the lack of confidence motion?
And not just survive, but you got a promotion!



Saturday, April 2, 2011

THE TOP 10 (Best)

Politicians must be judged on their honesty and conviction
Character traits which separate the fact from the fiction
And nobody rates higher than Tony Abbott on those two criteria
At the next federal election he’ll banish Gillard & Labor to Siberia!


There’s so much depth in the coalition, with many an up and coming ace
And Scott Morrison is a stand out and sets a cracking pace
Smart, concise, on topic, always presenting a strong case
Could he be a future Prime Minister in the making: watch this space!

People who bring passion to their profession get top marks in my opinion
And nobody’s fights more passionately to regain the Coaliton’s dominion
Than Christopher Pyne, and you’d underestimate him at your own peril
Judge him on how he exposes his Labor opponents as rapacious and feral

This next one fascinates me because, frankly, he doesn’t present too well
He’s scruffy and unkempt, but any trepidation you have he’s quick to dispel
Because he’s as sharp as a tack and strategically at the top of this job
Intelligent, rational, sensible: thy name is Andrew Robb

A politician gets full marks from me for sticking to his guns
Especially when the ferocious response of the Labor party stuns
For stating the concerns of many people he’s accused of ‘Race Baiting’
Bravo Cory Bernardi for standing up against Labor’s spite & hating

In these days of Labor spin and lies and acts of treason
It’s refreshing to hear an intelligent argument based on facts and reason
And nobody is more reasoned and calm and balanced than Greg Hunt
Such a welcome contrast to Labor’s rants & threats & lies & grunt

The Labor Party would lie to you and insist that lamb is mutton
So thank God for honest and credible politicians like Peter Dutton
The future leadership of the Liberals is something the party may bestow
On a modern day Liberal hero who rid us of Cheryl Kernot

Of course not all conservative politicians are balanced, reasoned and calm
For what they may lack in composure, they more than make up for with boyish charm
It’s great to hear the passion and the emotion in his voice
And a very worthy top 10 favourite is the one and only Barnaby Joyce

Every party needs an elder statesman, someone of great experience
Who won’t be bullied around and demonstrates reason and resilience
Eric Abetz is such a man and a personal favourite of mine
And with him in a leadership role you know the Coalition will be fine

Joe Hockey is an interesting one, as he stands for global warming
But he maintains a sense of humour even when the Labor bugs are swarming
Presents well to the man in the street and is popular and smart
It’s an absolute pleasure to watch him continually tear Wayne Swan apart

Honourable mentions: Bronwyn Bishop, Warren Truss, Kevin Andrews & George Brandis, 4 veterans who continue to uphold the virtues of Liberal / National Party Coalition, of fairness, personal freedoms, equal opportunity and small government.

THE TOP 10 (Worst)

What can I say about Julia that hasn’t been said before?
The voters at last year’s election tried hard to show her the door
She got fewer votes and won less seats than her opponent Tony Abbott
But she lied & bribed her way into office, as has become a Labor habit


The incompetent Wayne Swan, an embarrassment on the Treasury benches
Every policy or ‘reform’ this moron’s involved with, it ends up that it stenches
When God handed out charisma and credibility, Swan was at the end of the line
And despite record levels of debt and deficit, the bungler insists we’re fine!


Rob Oakeshott is not all there, seems there’s something amiss upstairs
That goofy grin, the verbose rants and those disturbing wide-eyed stares
His 17 minute speech typified his ego, when he could’ve just said “Labor is my choice”
And although we can’t stand the sight of him, he sure loves the sound of his own voice

Ah yes, Tony Windsor, the wind vane, a man only interested in his own survival
Depending what’s in it for him, you could be his ally and the next minute his rival
A bitterness within which burns deep, a vitriolic hatred for the Nationals & Joyce
He’ll be history for siding with Labor, ignoring his constituent’s conservative voice

Craig Emerson is an immature bully, a real nasty piece of work
Arrogant, spiteful, vindictive and mean, he really is a detestable jerk
Shady relationships in his recent past, having once shared Julia’s bed
But even she couldn’t stand to be with a man with so much nonsense inside his head

Then there’s the narcissist Kevin Rudd, such a sad and tragic man
His career was on an upward curve, just exactly as he did plan
PM of his country and jostling to be the Secretary of the UN
But Julia & Wayne knifed him in the back and he had to start all over again


But at least Kevin made it to the top and had his moment in the sun
Malcolm’s had much success in various fields, but political leadership isn’t one
Too easily manipulated by Rudd, he was afraid to take it up to the smarty
And with his own left-leaning agenda, some think he represents the wrong party

Where does one start with a succinct assessment of the arrogant Penny Wong?
Such a condescending and dishonest person, such misplaced confidence, she’s so often wrong
Made an absolute hash of trying to sell a CPRS deeply flawed and sinister
Now embarrassingly exposed once again as our incompetent Finance Minister

Stephen Conroy, the snake oil salesman, would spin tales to his very own mother
Trying to justify the wasteful NBN, any dissent he’ll just dismissively smother
Even though the coalition could deliver hi-speed internet at the cost of about a quarter
And as if he wasn’t flawed enough, he’s a bloody Collingwood supporter!

Rounding out the Top 10 of politicians who I find extremely aggravating
Is a woman who’s nasty mouth and patronising tone is extremely grating
She’s failed as a Health Minister, not even one single achievement to tell
It’s Nicola Roxon, not just unattractive to the eye, but to the ear as well

So that’s my choice of the Top 10 of those on the current political scene
Whose voice or mannerisms or actions I find annoying and obscene
From Julia to Nicola, and everybody in between
Such misfits and incompetents, are these the worst there’s ever been?

Special mention and unlucky to miss out:
Bill Shorten, Tanya Plibersek & Peter Garrett. Shorten & Plibersek because (like Gillard, Emerson & Wong) they have a great way of speaking down to people in a patronising, condescending manner and Garrett who was spared because I like Midnight Oil!
Bob Brown? I just don't take that idiot seriously. He's not deserving of a rating!

Friday, April 1, 2011


Part 2:

Part 3.

The tale of a woman who sold her soul and wants her money back!

The chronicle of a man on his life’s journey to the top.

The story of a divisive and dysfunctional political party caught in between.

The fable of 3 disjointed gunslingers whose true loyalties are soon exposed.

The joyous crowd carried Tony on their shoulders
As the modest victor tried to play down the fuss
But 3 gun slinging cowboys shoot their guns in the air
“Hey Tony, did you forget about us”?!

A surprised hush fell over the audience
They lowered their hero to the ground
As the 3 Amigos reloaded their weapons
You couldn’t hear a sound

The ‘T’ man surveyed the situation
The 3 Amigos were hell-bent on obstruction
He reached into the front of his speedos
And removed a weapon of mass destruction

“Look here boys” he said as he eyeballed the men
“What I have here will put a spanner in the works”
He gestured to the old grey bloke to stand next to him
“Come here Bob, step away from those jerks”

Katter put down his weapon and stood next to Tone
His conservative roots determined his decision
As Windsor and Oakeshott suddenly realised
The crowd was treating them with much derision

“What I have here in my hands Rob & Windsor
Is living proof of your betrayal you fools
It’s big and completely undeniable
And its call a mandate to rule”

And with that the crowd cheered with excitement
Because Tony had done it again
Exposed the traitors and double crossers
And belittled the 2 mercenary men

But despite the whack Tony had given them
Oakeshott & Windsor wouldn’t lie down quietly
So Bob said to Tony “Leave this one to me”
For an old bloke he remains quite spritely

Katter reached stealthily into this briefcase
And removed his 6 shooter with care
He aimed it an inch above the head of the 2 traitors
And offloaded two shots in the air

“Take that as a warning you traitors
The ‘T’ Man’s in charge of things now”
And with that a whimpering Windsor
Realised how much he’d mucked up, and how

And Oakeshott, for once, was speechless
He realised the electorate were unforgiving
He'd just seen Gillard carried out on a stretcher
And soon he’d be driving a taxi for a living

Windsor, the chameleon, mingled into the crowd
Who’d resumed their adoration for Tone
Katter hoisted him onto his shoulders
And carried him towards his new throne

And as the sun set that night in Australia
The end of a truly remarkable day
The crowd gathered around a tired Tony Abbott
To listen to what he would say

“People of Australia, I will give you strong leadership.
I will be courageous, strong and bold.
Now please get me my ‘Australia’ tracksuit
Because wearing speedos all day is damn cold”.

So ends this parable of this chapter in politics
The end of the worst government that’s ever been
Abbott heroically replacing Gillard & Brown
Because red and green should never be seen!



Part 2.

The tale of a woman who sold her soul and wants her money back!

The chronicle of a man on his life’s journey to the top.

The story of a divisive and dysfunctional political party caught in between.

The fable of 3 disjointed gunslingers whose true loyalties are brought into question.

Through the door bursts a man in red speedos
His hairy chest bursting with pride
“If you want to be rid of this shemozzle
Vote with the conservative side”

“We won’t saddle up to the extremists
We won’t make sly pacts with the nuts
We’ll give you strong and decisive plans
And lead with conviction and guts”

Tony’s his name and he’s dedicated his life
To the betterment of those who are struggling
And he’s made a tough stance against bludgers
And rorts and waste and people smuggling

A man of true character and honour
Some say he’s to honest for his own good
Since when has honesty been a weakness?
That’s something I’ve never quite understood

As Gillard changes tack like the wind blows
Her personna directed by the latest poll
She muses and muddles and alters herself
While Tony displays poise and control

The vixen can take it no longer
The voices in her head drive her insane
She decides to pick fights with the Coalition
And the Greens who cause her much pain

So the 3 adversaries enter the ring
This unholy trinity must end once and for all
Let the public put an end to this farce
Get ready for a messy and bloody brawl

Labor goes hard with their typical tactics
Of lies and sleeze and false accusations
It’s nothing for them to kill their own
So much infighting and assassinations

The Greens struggle to fight the big boys
All their rhetoric quickly falls flat
Bob Brown bounces off the ropes a couple of times
But very quickly he falls flat on his back

But the ‘T’ Man remains strong and resolute
And calmly handles all that is thrown his way
And soon he has Gillard prostrate on the canvas
He body slams her and has this to say:

“You’re out for the count you 2 phoneys
We win! The public has had their say”
As Tony stands tall in his budgie smugglers
His ‘shit eating’ grin proudly on display!

The first aiders carry Julia & Bob away
As Tony waves to his adoring fans
The crowd is relieved that the nonsense is over
And Australia is back in safe hands.

"His shit eating grin proudly on display"

Part 3 here: