The Blame Game

4th November, 2009

As Kevin Rudd loudly boasted his new claim,
He proudly said he'd put an end to the blame game,
I was one of many doubting Thomas's,
With Rudd's long list of shallow promises,
ALP governments; they're all the same.

Rudd's use of language was like an anesthetic,
Acronyms and catchphrases littered his rhetoric,
CPRS, Silver Bullets, Low-Hanging Fruit,
Trying to look important and sound astute,
But when all is said and done, he's been pathetic.

The 'education revolution' is costing us a bomb,
Broadband internet is turning out all wrong,
There's so many big promises they're not keeping,
And if you're having trouble sleeping,
Just spend 5 minutes listening to Rudd, Gillard and Wong.

Beneath the veneer is a typically inept ALP,
As vacuous and shallow as any you will see,
None of us should be surprised,
At their growing list of lies,
And our grandkids will pay for this spending spree.

Like all Labor Governments they've made a meal
Of everything they've touched, it's quite surreal,
Not in anyone's wildest dreams,
Did we think we'd so quickly witness these scenes,
Don't put incompetent drivers behind the wheel.

So struggling workers lie awake in a cold sweat,
And a massive budget blow out is now a certain bet,
As his leadership begins to unwind,
The only thing he'll leave behind,
Is broken promises, unemployment and huge debt.

Kevin's in Japan

10th June, 2008

“A headline a day keeps the media at bay”, as Kevin seeks divine intervention,
He’s now formed 86 committees and 76 reviews, but with his hunger for a headline, that hardly rates a mention:

As his head hits the pillow in his Hiroshima Motel Room, Kevin Rudd quietly prays:

“Dear God, hi it’s Kevin, how’s it going up in heaven?
I’m praying to you from the Land of the Rising Sun,
There’s lots of Japanese here, and the thing I really fear,
Is that I have no ideas for tomorrow’s headline, not a one,

I need your help Lord because I feel the pressure building around my rectum,
I need that headline so my popularity doesn’t ‘cascade down the spectrum’
So please deliver me a sign, an indication that you’re listening,
So I can deliver the headline that keeps my popularity glistening,

I’m in the city of Hiroshima, chauffeured around in a nice new Beema,
And I’m struggling to find something to say to the Japanese press,
So please send divine intervention, so then I will not have to mention,
That without me you’d be nothing…but I digress…

‘Did the earth move for you Therese? I’m feeling weak at the knees’,
No wait, that was the sign, love, from the big guy up above,
He’s channeling the A-bomb, his message is coming through loud and clear,
That’s it! I’ll arrange a new committee, to tackle problems ‘nuclear’.

I tell you God, you’re all class, once again, you’ve saved my arse,
All I can say to you is ‘arigato’ and thanks Heavens!
And to really make a statement, I’ll roll out an old lefty who’s been latent,
They’ll love it when I tell ‘em the committee will be chaired by Gareth Evans.

I’ll dust the cobwebs off Evans, just like a cellared bottle of Merlot,
And, hey, what the heck, to keep him busy I’ll also appoint Cheryl Kernot,
“Are you awake my dear Therese?”, seems all I can hear is your snores,
(Reaches for bedside phone),
‘Hey Jeeves, I’m keen to please, meet me in 30 minutes at ‘Scores’.”

’I’ve got tomorrow’s headline, it came to me in a flash of brilliance,
They keep trying to shut me down, but I keep proving my resilience,
I’m on my way to world domination, I’ll show them all that I am no failure,
I’ll save the world, nation by nation, I just wish I had ideas to save Australia……”

“We Didn’t Blow the Surplus”

(With apologies to Billy Joel's "We Didn't Start the Fire")

23rd March, 2010

Lindsay Tanner, Penny Wong, Always talking, always wrong
Boring speakers, Asylum seekers, Martin Ferguson
Jenny Macklin, Simon Crean, waffling on, what do they mean?
Insulation, no salvation, Nicola Roxon

Promises, Broken, many lies are spoken
Gillard, the constant lies, as our prosperity dies
Albanese, cold sweat, Australia’s got a record debt
Unemployment, incompetent, prosperity goodbye

CHORUS

We didn’t blow the surplus
It was just a number, go back to your slumber
This is the K-Rudd circus
And we’re now in huge debt
Another Labor regret

Stephen Conroy, NBN, wasted billions, once again,
Peter Garrett, such a parrot, he sold his soul
Kim Carr, gone too far, Policies, quite bizarre,
K Rudd, such a dud, God what an @55h01e!

Bowen, Wayne Swan, Australians have all been conned
Rob McLelland, Tony Burke, Emerson is such a jerk
Evans, Plibersek, another billion? What the heck
Mark Arbib, answers glib, write another blank cheque

CHORUS

Kate Ellis, God help us, Bob McMullin, distress
Faulkner, by far, the biggest bore in Australia
L.Ferguson, union thug, power is his own drug
Greg Combet, by his side, union favours not denied

Stephen Smith, genuine, Budget surplus? Flying swine
Nick Sherry, sorry, front bench is no-go
Shorten, no symmetry, such a union lackey
Maxine McKew, a “psycho”, what the f%#k does she do?

CHORUS

Kevin Rudd, strange man, stranger in our great land
Dickhead, thickhead, socialist persuasion
Going on a spendathon, every policy so wrong
Oh my, not again, another billion dollars gone

Wayne Swan, Penny Wong, more policy we’ve got so wrong
Big pay day, blown away, what else do I have to say?

CHORUS

B.E.R., wasted cash, unions building up their stash,
Corrupt, disrupt, build a new Gillard shrine
Boat people all in line, welfare state is all mine
Look after your new neighbor, welfare bludgers vote Labor

No more fortune, surplus gone, heavy spending, withdrawn
Foreign debt, don’t mention debt, shit man, so much regret
Billions wasted, I am sure, must stop spending, there’s no more,
Wayne Swan, it’s all gone, I can’t spend it any more

CHORUS

Tony Abbott, PM., summons Ken Henry

(Photo of Rudd & Henry in happier times)

Tony Abbott, Prime Minister of Australia, enacts his first decision upon winning the election:
A glimpse of the future perhaps?!

19th June, 2010

Ken Henry, come in, what a battle I’ve fought!
I’m the PM now, who would’ve thought?
Sadly for you Ken, you backed the wrong horse,
And you and Rudd took our country way off course.

You forgot you’re a public servant, not an MP,
Became a political spokesman, it was plain to see,
You were Rudd’s lap dog, he was your puppeteer,
So let’s drink a toast: can I get you a beer?

Let’s salute your career as the Head of Treasury,
And consider for a moment the feeling of misery,
You’ve instilled on our country, many billions of debt,
And the inflation genie which is now a huge threat.

You blew it Ken, you’re an abject failure,
You’ve ruined the economic viability of Australia,
Your irrational thoughts and stupid ideas,
Now you and Rudd can give thought to your future careers.

You’re sacked mate, finished, washed up, you’re gone,
On the scrapheap with your mates Rudd & Swan,
The 3 of you shmucks, along with Gillard & Tanner,
Screwed up everything in sight in an incompetent manner.

Close the door on your way out Ken, you arrogant man,
With your double-breasted suits, your ridiculous plans,
You’ve destroyed the economy, you self-important oppressor,
Hurry along now, I have a meeting with your successor.

Now Henry’s gone and is off to his local Centrelink,
I can restore the economy and bring us back from the brink.
“He’s here”? Send him in, here he is, hello,
The new Head of Treasury, Peter Costello.

The Good News Kid

20th April, 2009

If there’s good news to report I’ll be there in a flash,
I just love the big headline, it swells my head,
To see the punters so happy as I waste buckets of cash,
But if it’s bad news you’ll find me hiding under the bed.

I’m there, in the spotlight, to announce my latest thought bubble,
Like the $43B broadband internet plan, more spending galore,
But if there’s a story brewing that sounds like trouble,
You’ll find the ‘Do not Disturb’ sign hanging on my door.

But if I’ve got to face the music, it’s time for Labor spin,
Watch me duck and weave, treat the public with scorn,
I’ll avoid the issues at hand, much to reporters chagrin,
Distractions, red herrings, look, a unicorn.

Unemployment’s gone up again? I won’t comment on that.
I won’t allow such bad tidings to encumber,
Watch me pull a rabbit out of my hat,
As my popularity reaches a ridiculous new number.

I refuse to make a tough decision, it’ll damage my image,
Not interested in news on which I get no positive traction,
I’ll avoid negative press, stay out of that scrimmage,
It’s amazing how you’ll find me MISSING IN ACTION.

Slip Sliding Away

As Sung by Kevin Rudd upon reading the latest Newspoll (with apologies to the great Paul Simon)

March 16th, 2010

Slip sliding away, slip sliding away
You know the nearer to the election, the more I’m slip sliding away

I know a man, he comes from my hometown
He wore his ignorance for economics like a thorny crown
He said Ruddy, I live in fear
The budget deficit’s overpowering, and all surplus has disappeared

Slip sliding away, slip sliding away
Yeah Swanny’s longing for some attention, the more I’m slip sliding away

I know a woman, she’s got red hair
She is a very bad person, my very own nightmare
She says a good day is when I’m gone
She says a bad day is when I’m still here
And she thinks of things that might have been

Slip sliding away, slip sliding away
I’m yearning for some of Julia’s affection as I’m frantically sliding away

And I know a father of 3 girls
He longs to tell the reporters all the things he's done
He’s come a long way in the leadership
He’s kicking my arse in the polls
It’s time I turned around and headed home again

Slip sliding away, slip sliding away
You know I’m resenting the rejection, the more I’m slip sliding away

God only knows, God makes his plan
The information's unavailable to the mortal man
I’m losin’ my job, calling it a day
Believed I was gelling with the voters, when in fact I was slip sliding away

Slip sliding away, slip sliding away
I can’t remember my last erection, the more I’m flip flopping away

KEVIN RUDD = EPIC FAIL

Kevin Rudd grasps the latest Newspoll and stares into the mirror as he laments 2010.
Where did it all go wrong?
21st February, 2010

Mirror mirror on the wall,
What the hell is with this mighty fall?
I was riding so high, but now I’ve sunk,
Being overshadowed by the mad monk!

Mirror: He’s not mad, he’s real. People hate fakes Kevin.

At the end of 09 it was all smooth sailing,
A free pass from the media despite all my failings.
Despite botch ups & blow outs & failures spectacular,
They left me alone because the polls said I’m popular.

Mirror: The media, and the public, has awoken to your long list of broken promises.

But 2010’s so far been a year of frustration,
That bald-headed rock star and that bloody insulation.
I threw billions at that scheme to keep the greenies happy,
But 4 inconvenient deaths and voters start to get crappy.

Mirror: 4 young people are dead due to you & Garrett’s incompetence.

So to appease the masses I went on Q&A with Tone,
The young folk, they love me, they’ll leave me alone,
But what’s with their difficult questions & the attitude I see?
I try to be transparent but they see right through me!

Mirror: A man with no convictions is soon exposed.

It now seems the media are on a search and destroy,
No thanks to my incompetent team and that moron Conroy,
Golfing with Packer & skiing with Stokes,
And all I get is a supper with Grattan & Oakes!

Mirror: Conroy is a dangerous fool. Enough said.

Garrett & Conroy, they’re making too much noise,
With the internet filter and jobs for the boys,
NBN cost blowouts, solar panels, pink batts & all that,
I miss the good old days as a do-nothing bureaucrat.

Mirror: Just like you, your ministers are out of their depth. Oh, and you’re still a do-nothing bureaucrat.

And in trying to appear like a sensitive new-age PM,
I eased border security laws, and Howard I did condemn,
But the number of asylum seeker boats just keep going up,
Maybe the boats have just gone off course in the America’s Cup!?

Mirror: No more lame excuses. Another policy failure, 54 boat people dead and Christmas Island full.

And they keep going on about the hospitals promises,
They expect me to keep my word? The doubting Thomas’s!
It sounded good at the time, I clearly remember the cheering,
And now I’m copping my right whack, this is what I’ve been fearing….

Mirror: You promised plenty, you’ve delivered very little.

I’ve still got the Global Warming scare to fill the shrinking coffers,
My “great big new tax”; Greens, I’m open for offers,
I need this one Penny, the Libs are a serious threat,
And I need to find a quick way to pay off $200B of debt….

Mirror: You are a failure Kevin. You’ve backed the wrong horse.

Ok, I get it, I’ll step up and tackle the media head-on,
And if they ask difficult questions I’ll make sure they’re tread on,
I’ll tackle the criticisms, the failures and the accusations of lies,
“Insiders”? You’re kidding? I’ll be with be Kochie & Mel on Sunrise.

Mirror: Serious political agenda on Sunrise? Pathetic. Everything about you, and your government, is pathetic.

The Labor Debt Machine Needs Feeding!

The Genesis of The Mining Super Profits Tax:
12th June, 2010

“Kevin, it’s Wayne. We’re in bloody big trouble.
The budget deficit: it’s blown out, it’s double.
I’ve got a budget to deliver, with a gaping big hole,
$57B in the red, spending out of control”.

“Get a grip Swanny, I tell you what mate,
You might think this is easy, but it bloody well ain’t.
We’ve got to cover up all the billions we’ve blown,
For Christ’s sakes man, get Henry on the phone”.

“Ken Henry speaking, treasurer of Australia”,
‘Swanny here Ken, amongst your paraphernalia,
Would you have a scheme, factual or fiction,
That could balance the books, curb our spending addiction’?

“I never thought you’d ask, I’ve got the perfect solution,
It’ll raise lots of cash, save the world, stop pollution,
With this plan in place our budget problem it will combat,
And I can retire and save the hairy nosed wombat”.

“What’s the plan Ken? Please tell me, I’m desperate,
And Ruddy’s apoplectic, he’s angry, upset”
‘Worry not Wayne, this plan is absolutely perfect,
The goose that lays the golden eggs: it’s time to collect’.

“We’ll tax those greedy miners; they’re making a motza,
They already pay high taxes, this’ll be a huge ‘gotcha’”,
‘Have you thought this through Ken? It’s bound to cause trouble’.
“Frankly, not really...it’s just another thought bubble”.

‘Well, we’re up to our necks in deficit and debt,
This will reap billions, it’s the best solution we can get.
I’ll stick it in the budget, it’ll help balance the books,
And appease the media, and the unions, the crooks.’

“Worry not that the mining industry has saved us from recession,
That they employ thousands of people, a thriving profession,
We’re up to our necks, this is what we must do,
Because we’re Labor, we’re useless, and we don’t have a clue”.

Kevin and Malcolm

Kevin Rudd, upon hearing on the radio that Turnbull has quit politics, steps out of the shower and catches an admiring glimpse of himself out of the corner of his eye. He strikes a pose and flicks back his hair:

7th April, 2010

Hello Prime Minister, hey good looking,
What’s for breakfast, what’s Jeeves cooking?
Where’s the deodorant, where’s my talcum?
What have they done to my old mate Malcolm?

Malcolm Turnbull, he was alright,
He had a go, he put up a fight,
Won some, lost some, tanned my hide,
But with his beliefs he was on the wrong side!

He was as left leaning as Julia and Lindsay,
Once tried to hang me with evidence flimsy,
Saddled up to his public service mate,
Thus was the beginning of the famous ‘Utegate’

But Gordon Gretch was no ordinary bloke,
Made some accusations he wouldn’t revoke,
Forged an email, told some lies,
And quickly cut Turnbull down to size.

That was Malcolm’s problem, far too ambitious,
And with the smell of my blood he became malicious,
He sensed my downfall, he found it delicious,
But once again his actions were to prove capricious.

That was the beginning of the end for Mal,
But I was determined to keep him as my pal,
Keep your friends close and your enemies closer,
His political epitaph; I was the composer.

I played him like a fiddle with the ETS,
Wedged him, cornered him, he had to say yes,
He was more supportive than my own administration,
The greatest moral dilemma of our generation!!??

But that bloody Tony Abbott ruined all my plans,
Just when I had Malcolm as putty in my hands,
Abbott wanted the leadership, and the Libs said ‘yes’,
And I had to kiss goodbye my beloved ETS.

Penny and I had a cry, this wasn’t how we planned it,
But the truth be known, we didn’t even understand it,
Who was I to impose a great big new tax by stealth?
Time for a new ‘dilemma’: YES: hospitals and health!

A change of direction, a change of plan,
It seems Climate Change is no longer a threat to man,
I need a new tactic to remove the stench,
“Hi Malcolm, would you like a seat on my front bench?”

IMAGINE

(With apologies to John Lennon: original song here)
19th March, 2010

Imagine there's no Kevin
He’s sleazy, slick and sly,
Debt hell awaits us
Enough to make you cry
Imagine all the deficit
“Let them all eat cake”

Imagine no more money
It isn't hard to do
Nothing to spend a dime for
And not a smidgen too
Imagine all the people
Living life in debt

You may say that I'm a schemer
But this ain’t a lot of fun
I hope someday you'll join us
And put Kevin out on his bum

Imagine more recessions
The slow decline of man
Excessive waste, more hunger
Australia is damned
Imagine all the people
As doomsday is unfurled

You may say that I'm a screamer
But I'm not the only one
I’m sick of Rudd’s incompetence
Let’s put him out on his bum

BURNING DOWN YOUR HOUSE

14th March, 2010

Watch out, you might get what you’re after
My policies, the source of raucous laughter,
I’m not an ordinary guy
Burning down the house
Hold tight, the Labor Party’s over
Bold fight, Abbott just won’t roll over
There has been much better days
Burning down the house
Here’s Newspoll, I’ll pack my bags, they’re pushing me overboard,
Julia Gillard is here,
She’s stayed close, just to the left, my options are now bereft,
She’s the one I truly fear.
Blood spill, you might need a raincoat,
Shakedown, dreams shattered in broad daylight,
Peter Garrett’s brought me to my knees,
By burning down your house!

All I said was insulation, now it’s led to my castration,
Our incompetence did spoil it,
People see their grave mistake, say “What the hell did you expect?”
My career’s down the toilet….

Burning down your house
This policy was out of the ordinary
So rushed, it’s killed and hurt somebody,
But I’ll never claim res-pons-ib-il-ity,
For burning down your house.
No possible way I can survive but you have not seen nothing yet,
I need a massive distraction,
I know just what expect when you see me on your TV set,
A man of constant inaction

Burning down your house

Burning down your house

Burning down your house

SPECIFIC SOLUTION

As “action man” Tony Abbott gains favourable media coverage for his sporting exploits, Rudd’s failed Border Protection policy keeps him awake at night in search of his own

“SPECIFIC SOLUTION”
28th March, 2010

Boats are coming, boats are sinking
What the hell was I thinking?
Men and women they are drowning
And the masses now are frowning

I know I said I’d “send boats back”
But the bleeding hearts gave me flak
A policy backflip most bizarre
At least I get kudos from David Marr

People are sick of all the failure
I’ve encumbered on Australia
This is another policy dud
Championed by captain Rudd

The opinion polls are sliding
It seems I might cop a hiding
I need a smokescreen, a distraction
I must henceforth swing into action

Maybe I just need to prove
Like Abbott, I’m a man on the move
I’ll show I refuse to accept this failure
I’ve got it; I’ll become a sailor!

I’ll set sail on the high seas
So opinion poll pressure will ease
To show compassion for their plight
On a creaky boat, day and night

This will prove my dedication
And douse my opponent’s frustration
But this decision is bound to fail
Because I don’t know how to sail

There’s bound to be some flotsam
So please move over Jessica Watson
I’m climbing aboard your boat
So my 2nd term hopes remain afloat

So this will prove I sympathize
As these people risk their lives
I’ll show the voters I’m not at fault
I may end up like Harold Holt….

Australian Prime Ministers; they don’t make them like they used to

28th March, 2010

In the long, proud history of Australian Prime Ministries,
There’s been many strong, proud men who’ve formed their own dynasties,
Great leaders of men, but at the end of the day,
They don’t make them like used to, do they?

When Australia’s long, proud history was only just startin’,
The tradition began with Sir Edmund Barton,
And so began a succession of men to whom our hats we would doff,
Men with names such as Alfred, George, Arthur and Gough.

At the start of the century when the great war was the news,
Australians turned to the veteran, William Morris ‘Billy’ Hughes,
And through the history of time as our great nation has grown,
A total of 26 men have ascended to the throne.

Over time they’ve come and they’ve gone, for short times or long,
Some proved ever so popular, some selections plain wrong,
Forde lasted just 8 short days, Menzies stayed for 16 long years,
But their imprimatur lives on, long after the backslapping and cheers.

Great leaders of men, but at the end of the day,
They don’t make them like used to, do they?

In the more recent of times we’ve had interesting choices,
Men of power, men decisive, strong characters, strong voices,
Both Liberal and Labor, some success, some failure,
But each man has given great service to Australia.

The controversy of Whitlam, the charisma of Hawke,
The foul mouth of Keating, oh could that man talk!
The contentious years of Fraser, the prosperity of Howard,
Brings us to 2007, and our history books I have scoured.

Australians made a fateful decision in November 2007,
And elected an unknown quantity, a Queenslander named Kevin,
He promised the world, but adulation is all he does crave,
And his lack of character would have Ben Chifley turning in his grave.

As our children go to school and learn of Australian history,
Rudd will go down in the fullness of time as a man of great mystery.
A man of ego and untruths, the man is the sum of all our fears,
The reign of Rudd will go into the annals as ‘2007-2010; the wasted years’.

You know something? Having said that, now let me say;
They don’t make them like used to, do they?

944 DAYS

A Final Ode to ‘Quick Draw’ Rudd, the fastest spender in the West

25th June, 2010

Some things just aren’t meant to last.
They’re here, then gone, so sudden, so fast.
Arrive with a bang, then gone with velocity,
Just like my PM’ship, an historic atrocity.

Just 944 days ago I was voted in by the civilians,
And in those short few months I’ve spent $237 billion,
Most of it wasted, expediting my decline,
Completely stuffing up the budget bottom line.

I’ve done more backflips than a circus trapeze,
And slowly but surely I was put under the squeeze,
The Newspolls were slipping, nobody returning my calls,
And those miners slowly tightening the vice on my balls.

After just 944 days I can’t believe it, I’m gone,
Backstabbed by those turncoats, Gillard & Swan.
Factions came a’knocking: Arbib, Shorten, Feeney & Farrell.
They had me, those buggars, bent over a barrel.

A fake, a phony, no substance, no core.
Like a shooting star, I was here, then no more,
My Prime Ministership’s over, my entire career ending
And all I’ve got to show is 944 days of reckless spending.

How will I be remembered? What of the history book?
After my farewell speech today, both a crook and a sook.
I showed some emotion, even squeezed out a tear,
In a final vain effort to appear somewhat sincere.

But the charade is over, I’m overwhelmed with despair,
Not just kicked out, but replaced by a shiela with red hair!
Too verbose, too much hubris, I couldn’t break my bad habits,
And very soon the Prime Ministership will be Tony Abbott’s.

Lies and Contradictions by Kevin Rudd

30th May, 2010

3 years ago I made a pledge,
In a vain attempt to drive a wedge,
To corner that man, my opponent Howard,
But again I’ve been exposed as a spineless coward.

I called it a “cancer on our democracy”
I’ve been proven a poster boy for hypocrisy,
I’ve done it again, another dud policy created,
I can’t pass a thing: I’m constipated!

“This reckless spending must stop” I screamed,
A long Rudd dynasty in power is what I dreamed,
But it’s all turned to sh1t in a very short time,
Now everything I do is both ridiculous and sublime!

I’ve blown the surplus and I’ve blown the budget,
So I said to Swanny “You’ve just got to fudge it”,
I’ve got us up to our necks in debt,
And our failures are something I’d rather forget.

Billions wasted (& lives lost) on insulation in rooves,
Such blatant waste yet again it proves,
Labor simply cannot be trusted with money,
If it weren’t so sad it’d almost be funny.

Throwing billions at a scheme rorted by crooks,
“Management fees” propping up their books,
Charging $5000 per square for a toilet block,
The latest ‘Newspoll’ results didn’t come as a shock.

The public’s woken up, they understand,
By rights I should be standing on the witness stand,
Answering questions such as “how did it come to this”?
A $20 billion surplus is now a deep abyss.

So I have to cover my arse yet once again,
In my desire to be the Secretary of the UN,
Nothing can stand in the way of my wild ambitions,
Sorry about the f%$k up with the carbon emissions....

So I’ll tax those rich miners, class warfare 101,
They can pay for my muck ups, all the harm I’ve done,
I’ll tax those bastards, it may well be controversial,
Taxpayers fund my propaganda TV commercials.

I’ve sent this country into unprecedented debt,
The headlines say I’m the worst PM yet,
Desperate times call for desperate measures,
And wasting taxpayer’s money is one of life’s pleasures.

So roll the commercials, spread the propaganda,
Waste taxpayers money, the government must slander,
Those miners who invest so much, those men I have betrayed,
So I can continue the farce, the great Rudd charade.

Rudd is Rat Fu@&ed!

The Penrith bi-election result hits home to Kevin Rudd
20th June 2010

The ship is sinking, my demise, I’m thinking, is just a matter of time.
The polls are diving, when once were thriving, now ridiculous, once sublime.
The party’s over, and fields of clover now appear a meadow of weeds,
It appears quite clear, failures so severe, is the last thing this country needs.

So now every poll, when once on a roll, is something I detest,
It is plain to see, with no subtlety, the voters do suggest,
They want me gone, their trust withdrawn, a pauper once a King,
And at the very first chance, on my grave they dance, with a 25% swing.

Seems my broken vows, all my why’s and how’s, no excuse they will accept,
As we approach full term, I can confirm, not a single promise kept.
So much rhetoric, enough to make you sick, lots of words but no details,
I could make a case, lie to your face, and blame it all on New South Wales.

I confess I nearly, just blamed Kenneally, for the disastrous result,
But the truth be known, once again I’ve shown, I’m more child than adult.
I fooled you once, I took my chance, but could not sustain the great charade,
And true to ALP form, I could not perform, and the voters have been betrayed.

Reality bites, and try as I might, I can’t deny the blatant facts,
That I’ve stuffed it all, had a massive fall, and it’s not just the mining tax.
It was the ETS, who would’ve guessed, that’d start the downward spiral,
And now my leadership’s, after the backflips, considered deadly, sickly, viral.

There is no doubt, it’ll all come out, that I’m a very strange man indeed,
And my inner drive, what made me strive, was that my ego needs a feed.
Narcissistic megalomaniac, no friends, no factions, no idea,
Now I’ve stuffed it all, had a mighty fall, and I’m about to disappear.

The sharks surround, rumours abound, they’re baying for my blood.
Despite my best efforts, I must confess, it’s true I am a dud.
It didn’t take me long, to show I don’t belong, and to feed your frustrations,
I’ve ‘Rat F#@&ed’ you all, I’m weak I’m pall, I’ve killed Labor for generations.

The Gang of Four

The Song Remains the Same
28th June 2010

(A Brief History of Music and the ill-fated short-lived Australian band known as the ‘Gang of Four’)

The ‘Gang of Four’s’ first album was called ‘A Platform of Change’
But it soon became apparent that their ‘platform’ was deranged.
Their lead singer appeared a cleanskin, although he gave people the sh1ts,
And they promised their first album would be full of ‘Greatest Hits’.

As it became obvious their ‘songs’ weren’t hits, the hit-squad quickly pounced,
The ‘music charts’ had flatlined, it’d been months since they’d bounced.
The ‘songs’ the ‘Gang of Four’ played stank, there was a rancid linger,
But rather than change the tune, they just changed the lead singer.

Replace a dud with another dud, people know when they’ve been stitched,
The fans aren’t stupid, they realised they changed Darrin on ‘Bewitched’.
Put on make-up, flash a smile, enjoy the media honeymoon,
But the exercise is pointless if you keep playing the same old tune.

New singers impart their imprimatur when they’ve just started,
But they were still a Mötley Crüe even after Vince Neil departed.
When Genesis drummer Phil Collins replaced singer Peter Gabriel,
Their music remained impeccable, and nobody could tell.

Loud and fast, drums were smashing, guitars were a wailin’,
Long after David Lee Roth left the band, they were still Van Halen.
Ozzie Osbourne quit Black Sabbath, replaced by Ronnie James Dio,
But when you went to their concert, it was still the same rockin’ show.

Rob Halford walked out on Judas Priest, so they hired a tribute singer,
An impersonator, he sounded identical: he was an absolute dead-ringer.
When Bon Scott had one too many drinks and left this mortal coil,
AC/DC soldiered on with a sound no one could spoil.

When Steve Perry decided his great Journey had come to an end,
He’d left a catalogue of great songs on which the band could depend.
J.D. Fortune won a TV show to replace Hutchence in INXS,
He just sang the hits, played the game, and enjoyed great success.

The original band, the ‘Gang of Four’, wrote a lot of songs,
But when you listened carefully, they were full of wrongs.
They looked good on paper, but they sounded quite atrocious,
And when the faceless men pounced, it was swift, it was ferocious.

Before the execution was complete, the ‘Gang of Four’ were quite prolific,
Spewing out ‘songs’ by the hundreds, they thought they were all terrific.
But the reality was they’re tone deaf, their ‘songs’ stank, they didn’t chart,
And ructions in the gang appeared, they soon began to fall apart.

Whenever a ‘song’ by the ‘Gang of Four’ came on radio or TV,
People switched off, they’d had enough, they couldn’t help but all agree:
Rework a few lyrics, change attire, remix the same old sound,
But on playback after playback no trace of credibility could be found.

The ‘Gang of Four’ had no idea, ‘songs’ so putrid people won’t forget,
Now Rudd is gone, Tanner is gone, they’re just a talentless duet.
‘The Gang of Four’ is history, their performance a disgrace,
Now we’re left with Gillard on lead vocals and Swan strumming on the bass.

The history of music teaches us, as undeniable evidence mounts,
It’s not who’s behind the microphone, but the quality of the ‘song’ that counts.
So the ALP heavies, and the union thugs, got rid of Kevin Rudd,
But the songs remain identical, and the whole album is a dud!

If the music’s good, the fans unite and accept the band’s new voice,
But the whole episode can turn quite sour if they make a stupid choice.
To further express my point of view, I asked old rocker Abbott for a hand:
“The only way you can remove the stench is to remove the entire band”.

The Private Thoughts of Kevin Rudd

As genuine as a 4 leaf clover

10th June 2010

The facade’s been exposed, the charade is over,
My credibility’s as realistic as a 4 leaf clover.

Too many lies, and far too much waste,
Thought bubbles implemented with undue haste.

Incompetence, cover ups, a media circus,
Grab a headline each day, that’s been my sole purpose.

Details can come later, it’s all about the headline,
A matter of popularity , not Labor’s, just mine.

And as my world turns to mud, when I was once on a roll,
No factions, no friends, it was just me and Newspoll.

But support has crumbled, too many backflips & errors,
And the budget balance sheet is full of terrors.

I’m finished, it’s over, washed up after 3 years,
As a Rudd-ALP government was the sum of all of your fears.

Do I abdicate, resign, get sacked or fight through?
Is Julia going to be PM as I bid you adieu?

Or do I go to the election and ride my luck...
Judging by the latest Newspoll, you guys don’t give a f@%k!

I’ve been exposed as a liar, incompetent, deranged,
All because 12 thousand idealistic morons voted for “change”

I’ve turned a thriving economy into a basket case,
So I’m off to Scores to get off my face!

The Ballad of Tony Abbott
9th June 2010

I’ve recovered the stature of the coalition,
Put us back in the game in a stronger position,
Cut through Rudd’s bulldust, his lies and deceptions,
Changed the lay of the land, changed voter’s perceptions.

With Turnbull in charge we were just Rudd’s lap doggy,
The polls said we were headed to one hell of a flogging,
So I stepped up and opposed the crazy ETS,
And scraped into the leadership by just one ‘yes’.

But that was sufficient to assume the top job,
And go head-to-head with Kevin and Bob,
My first call of duty was to take on the ALP hacks,
And go hard and go early on Rudd’s “great big new tax”.

Since I’ve been leader, the polls have shown,
That support for the coalition has drastically grown,
I’ve won back lost ground, as Australians won’t let
Rudd Labor send us further into deficit and debt.

My task’s been greatly helped by Rudd himself,
As promise after promise he’s had to put on the shelf,
Because he’s run out of money and quickly realised,
That you can’t just keep on spending and telling lies.

But there’s still some doubt amongst some voters out there,
They’ve parked their vote, their cautious, they care,
For the future of our country, for the sake of Australia,
Yet they know we can’t have 3 more years of Rudd failure.

So I need to cut through and appeal to these strugglers,
Develop good policy , get out of the budgie smugglers,
And prove my credentials as a viable Prime Minister,
Further expose this Rudd government as evil and sinister.

Outline my plans to get our country back on track,
And although I sometimes cop ridicule and flack,
For my religious beliefs and honest answers,
I have to convince the doubters to take their chances.

To elect Tony Abbott, send him to the Lodge,
So more Labor stuff ups are avoided, more bullets dodged,
Show them I’m capable and worthy of the position.
Unlike Rudd who’s tenure is just his own U.N. audition.

I must step up to the plate, remove lingering doubt,
For everyone’s sake we must boot Labor out,
Give control of the Treasury back to the coalition,
And return our economy to it’s rightful position.

With Joe & Robby in control of the purse strings,
We’ll quickly restore the rightful order of things,
Pay off the debt, get the budget back in the black,
And ensure a strong future, there’s no turning back.

No more wasted billions, incompetence and rorts,
No more stupid ideas, ridiculous thoughts,
The Rudd Labor experiment is a disastrous failure,
And we must restore honour and honesty to Australia.

“I don’t like Newspoll” by Kevin Rudd
8th June 2010


“The Australian” lands on his desk
He flicks to ‘Politics’
The latest ‘Newspoll’ is out today
He’s nervous, anxious, feeling sick
But Ruddy doesn’t understand it
Polls used to say he was good as gold
And he can see no reasons
When there’s so many reasons
His popularity is heading so low-low-low-low-low

Tell me why
Rudd doesn’t like Newspoll
Tell me why
He don’t like Newspoll
Tell me why
Rudd hates the Newspoll
He wants to shoo-oo-oo-oo-oo-oot Tony Abbott down

The Labor machine is cruel and mean
Rudd feels the heat applied
The falling polls are a shock
Ruddy’s world is rocked
As voters thoughts turn to his litany of lies
There on page 16, the voters don’t look keen
But he ain’t so keen to admit defeat
But he can see no reasons
When there are so many reasons
How many reasons do you need?
Oh oh oh oh

Tell me why
Rudd hates the Newspoll
Tell me why
He don’t like Newspoll
Tell me why
Rudd hates the Newspoll
He wants to shoo-oo-oo-oo-oo-oot the Coalition down
Down-down-down,
Shoot them all down

All the arrogance has stopped on Labor benches now
There’s many frowns and not a smile
Question time’s still churning and Rudd is learning
And the lesson today is ‘no more lies’
And then the bells are ringing
To their last hope they’re clinging
Another vote of no confidence
Rudd starts to see the reasons
'Cos there’s so many reasons
Why Rudd’s career is starting to die, die, oh, oh, oh.

Tell me why
Rudd hates the Newspoll
Tell me why......

Kevin Rudd swears he’s the best man for the job
8th June 2010

I swear my difficult childhood did me no harm,
I swear I slept in a car when we were kicked off the farm.

I swear I’ve always been honest in all of my work,
I swear I didn’t have dinners with Brian Burke.

I swear I stay away from grog & strippers & whores,
I swear I didn’t see a thing when I got pissed at Scores.

I swear I’m fair-minded with factions and won’t cause a stink,
I swear I really “don’t care what you fu#@ers think”

I swear I’m tough and resilient, a real modern man,
I swear I didn’t need a hairdryer in Afghanistan.

I swear I’m as kind and considerate as you can guess,
I swear I didn’t yell abuse at that RAAF stewardess.

I swear I’ll present like a statesman on ‘Sunday Night’
I swear it’s a tough job, I swear it’s a “shit fight”.

I swear I’ll turn back the boats, makes laws more to my liking,
I swear I didn’t do a special deal with the Oceanic Viking.

I swear I’ll cop all the criticism that this job brings,
I swear at New Ltd executives for not printing nice things.

I swear it’s a challenging job, you must understand,
I swear it might look easy in “7.30 Report land”.

I swear my diplomacy skills would never cause a ruckus,
I swear those “Chinese fu%#ers are trying to Rat F*%k us”.

I swear I pay no attention to polls, even the last ones that sucked,
I swear that if you don’t vote for me, you can “go and get fu#@ed”!

Kevin Rudd: I blew it
7th June 2010

It started so well, it began with a bang,
K-Rudd & Jules and the rest of our gang,
We promised changes, we spoke of a plan,
November 2007 was when it all began.

We stormed into Canberra, were swept into power,
Nothing was sweeter, but now it’s gone sour,
Not even 3 years later and all goodwill is shattered,
We lost control of the country when it most mattered.

We said sorry, held a summit, but searched for a narrative,
To define ourselves was an absolute imperative,
We’d been handed the country in tip-top condition,
But we became a victim of my narcissistic ambition.

The GFC gave me the perfect excuse,
To open Treasury coffers to Labor abuse,
And the ‘kitchen cabinet’ agreed it was time to go spending,
We were delusional enough to think it’d be a happy ending.

This would define us, get us out of the woods,
But it’s obvious we weren’t capable of delivering the goods,
Incompetence and waste, mismanagement galore,
And our strong public approval soon hit the floor.

It was all great in theory, sounded good at the time,
Now it’s scary, it’s eerie, it’s an absolute crime,
Billions of dollars wasted, houses gone up in smoke,
The level of incompetence is beyond a joke.

Illegal boat entries as I’ve weakened our borders,
The ‘BER’ debacle, a cash cow for rorters.
Our house of cards crumbled, the shattered perceptions,
So many backflips, so many lies and deceptions.

It was all undermined by one glaring fact:
We have no idea, we’re incompetent hacks.
Now we’re billions in debt, and with my senses on leave,
There’s one last trick I’ve got up my sleeve.

I’ll slug more tax on miners, to cover up all the debt,
Good thinking Swanny, this is your best bad plan yet.
And we’ll spend $38M telling everyone how clever we are,
More reckless spending, no bridge is too far.

But those confounded opinion polls continue to inform us,
That kindergarten children could easily outperform us.
All good will is gone, the ‘good old days’ we all yearn,
Labor Government incompetence: when will people learn?

A Man Without Friends

Also known as “The Assassination of Kevin Rudd by the coward William Richard Shorten”

My dad always said it was a ridiculous sin
To pick a fight which you cannot win
Kevin Rudd never heeded the same advice
And his political demise was the ultimate price

A man without friends aligned to no factions
His hold on power was just a matter of fractions
Sound bites, press releases, endless distractions
A man is judged not by his words but by his actions

Rudd’s actions continually exposed his ineptitude
Riding high in the polls he was obnoxious and rude
Treated subordinates with contempt and disdain
While the polls remained high he was popping champagne

But you can’t fool all the people all of the time
And Rudd’s constant mistakes were far from sublime
Backflips, retractions, cost blow outs and waste
Soon the polls began sliding, and sliding with haste

The RSPT was Kevin’s last great big error
The miner’s united, they attacked him with terror
He’d signed his own death warrant with his own blood
And the headlines would soon read: “R.I.P. RUDD”

The man who couldn’t sell beer to an alcoholic
Was attacked and derided, with words vitriolic
The people stopped listening, he’d lost all traction
And was ridiculed as a man of all words, no action

Their internal polls showed Labor was in deep strife
Rudd was desperately holding on for dear life
Factions circled the wagons: Shorten, Arbib & Farrell
They quickly had Kevin bent over a barrel

So at a time one would normally call for support
To ensure this planned coup was but a fleeting thought
Rudd quickly realised he was friendless, alone
Forced to humiliatingly abdicate the throne

His ‘loyal’ deputy Julia stepped up to the plate
Ushered Rudd closer “Come here, trust me mate”
And with the blood on her hands as red as her hair
Thrust a knife in his back, a knife that’s still there

And that is the story of the late Kevin Rudd
Once flying so high, now back to earth with a thud
A government so incompetent, so arrogant and bloated
Yet Julia amazingly seems to be Teflon coated

The very same hands which are now covered in blood
Bear the same fingerprints that countersigned policy duds
The plaques which bear her name on the BER School Halls
Will be the lasting reminder once Julia falls

Her motherhood statements and generalisations
Mask an irrational idealist with socialist aspirations
As time passes the people will come to realise
She’s just another Labor leftie, full of bullshit and lies

And the moment this realisation comes to fruition
Shorten will take the next step on his self-absorbed mission
He’ll call on his hitmen once again to dislodge
To take Julia out and deliver him to the Lodge.

UPDATE:

“The Assassination of Kevin Rudd by the coward William ‘Bill’ Richard Shorten” is now a major Motion Picture produced by United (Bullshit) Artists and directed by Quentin Tarantino (the master of bloodshed).

Starring:

Jim Carrey as Kevin Rudd (The critics say “Only Carrey could portray the many faces and personalities of Rudd and maintain the facade to the very end”.)
Nicole Kidman as Julia Gillard (“With her flaming red hair, Nicole is perfect as the heartless & conniving Gillard and delivers one of the big screen’s legendary ‘bitch’ performances”.)
Hugh Grant as Bill Shorten (“It wasn’t too much of a stretch for Grant to play a man lacking character, a man devoid of ethics, a man totally obsessed with himself”.)
Bill Murray as Wayne Swan (“Murray is hilarious as Swan, perfectly capturing the essence of Swan’s nothingness”.)
Jack Nicholson as Lindsay Tanner (“Looks tough, sounds tough, but shows his age and looks tired. Aced it!”)
Russell Crowe as Anthony Albanese (“Another ‘headkicker without a cause’ role, right up Crowe’s alley”.)
Val Kilmer as Craig Emerson (“Kilmer is renowned as irrational, self-important, reckless, erratic. Perfect choice”.)
Chevy Chase as Mark Arbib (“Chase perfectly reprises his role as “The Invisible Man”.)
Winona Ryder as Maxine McKew (“Who better to play a flash in the pan, ‘here today gone tomorrow’ much-ridiculed character lacking substance and credibility?!”)
Jude Law as Tony Abbott (“Law looks great in an opening scene walking on the beach in his board shorts. Delivers a performance of strength, leadership, decisiveness, honesty and manliness”.)
Daniel Craig as Barnaby Joyce (“Craig called upon his experience as James Bond spending the entire movie dodging the barbs and insults of Shorten, Gillard and Swan. Uses his intellect & wit to come out a clear winner”.)
Michael Caine as John Howard (“A brilliant cameo role by a great elder statesman, playing a great elder statesman”.)

Stay tuned for the sequel....