Kevin and Malcolm

Kevin Rudd, upon hearing on the radio that Turnbull has quit politics, steps out of the shower and catches an admiring glimpse of himself out of the corner of his eye. He strikes a pose and flicks back his hair:

7th April, 2010

Hello Prime Minister, hey good looking,
What’s for breakfast, what’s Jeeves cooking?
Where’s the deodorant, where’s my talcum?
What have they done to my old mate Malcolm?

Malcolm Turnbull, he was alright,
He had a go, he put up a fight,
Won some, lost some, tanned my hide,
But with his beliefs he was on the wrong side!

He was as left leaning as Julia and Lindsay,
Once tried to hang me with evidence flimsy,
Saddled up to his public service mate,
Thus was the beginning of the famous ‘Utegate’

But Gordon Gretch was no ordinary bloke,
Made some accusations he wouldn’t revoke,
Forged an email, told some lies,
And quickly cut Turnbull down to size.

That was Malcolm’s problem, far too ambitious,
And with the smell of my blood he became malicious,
He sensed my downfall, he found it delicious,
But once again his actions were to prove capricious.

That was the beginning of the end for Mal,
But I was determined to keep him as my pal,
Keep your friends close and your enemies closer,
His political epitaph; I was the composer.

I played him like a fiddle with the ETS,
Wedged him, cornered him, he had to say yes,
He was more supportive than my own administration,
The greatest moral dilemma of our generation!!??

But that bloody Tony Abbott ruined all my plans,
Just when I had Malcolm as putty in my hands,
Abbott wanted the leadership, and the Libs said ‘yes’,
And I had to kiss goodbye my beloved ETS.

Penny and I had a cry, this wasn’t how we planned it,
But the truth be known, we didn’t even understand it,
Who was I to impose a great big new tax by stealth?
Time for a new ‘dilemma’: YES: hospitals and health!

A change of direction, a change of plan,
It seems Climate Change is no longer a threat to man,
I need a new tactic to remove the stench,
“Hi Malcolm, would you like a seat on my front bench?”